Greetings, faithful readers, and welcome to the Summer edition of The Sacred Sandwich.

On June 26th through the 28th, the Tyndale Sisters held their annual women's conference and bake-off at the enchanting Nodaway Resort on the shores of Nodaway Lake.  [Ed. note: Resort manager Uriah Simms will take 10% off your stay when you mention your League membership!]  This year's theme was "Cake Decorating and The Book of Ruth," and the ladies were eager participants during three days of godly festivities and biblical exegesis.

Keynote speaker and League sister Hattie Dalrymple presented her paper titled "Ruth and the Barley Harvest: A Picture of Humility and Possible Recipes," and later won third place for her lemon-barley cake with mint icing.  Top honors, however, went to Bertha Stettner for her epic five-layer yellow cake which was decorated with a chocolate sculpture of Christian battling Apollyon from John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress.  Such scenes of triumphant spiritual warfare never tasted so good!

While the ladies enjoyed their extended time of Christian fellowship and Bible study (and well they should), their husbands were left behind to fend for themselves, which proved to be a most unpleasant circumstance for many of us.  Among many tales of starvation and horrific laundry mishaps, one stood out the most.  Alas, poor Jiggs Hardy was stranded at home with his six hungry children and made the mistake of feeding them in one day all the food that his wife had prepared in advance to last them three days.  He was forced to herd his entire brood, ages 2 to 12, down to the Piggly Wiggly on Friday to procure further sustenance.  Not being intimately familiar with the wiles of children, Jiggs asked his progeny what their mother usually bought for them to eat, and was soon carrying home twelve boxes of Cracker Jack, sweetened cereal, Oreo cookies, etc. (and a bottle of Phillip's Milk of Magnesia for himself).  Needless to say, the elevated sugar intake wreaked havoc on the Hardy home as children literally bounced off the walls: the oldest boy having fashioned a giant slingshot with a bicycle inner tube to hurl his younger siblings into space.  When Mrs. Hardy returned home on Saturday night, Jiggs ran to her like the prodigal son and sobbed like a baby.  He was a changed man.

The League fellows would like to extend our gratitude to the ladies for their godly service as dedicated wives and mothers, as well as model citizens of the Christian faith.  Their loving patience and hard work to care for their families and community has not gone unnoticed.  We thank God for the fruits of their labor, and the fact that the women's conference only comes once a year.  Amen.

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JULY 2008 --- Vince McMahon, chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE), announced today that revivalist Todd Bentley has signed on to compete on Friday Night SmackDown! as a featured wrestler in his organization. Said McMahon, "After watching Todd knee-slam a Stage 4 colon cancer patient in the stomach during the Lakeland Healing Outpouring, I knew he had what it takes to be the next Hulk Hogan."

Bentley, who is known for his flamboyant, physically-aggressive "laying on of hands" to heal the sick, was excited about the opportunity to display his signature wrestling moves outside of the church. "Knocking around crippled people with the power of the Spirit is getting way too easy," explained Bentley. "I'm ready to take it to the next level and win the belt for Jesus."

The Florida revivalist, who has taken the ring name "Bam-Bam" Bentley, is scheduled to appear on SmackDown! later this month. His first opponent will be Umaga, the Samoan Bulldozer, who has vowed to destroy the rookie by ripping off Bentley's prophetic mantle and bludgeoning him with it. Todd's strategy for winning? Running away from his opponent while screaming, "Touch not God's anointed! Touch not God's anointed!"

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THE SANDWICH'S EXCEDRIN HEADACHE #11: PEW HOGS