- Archives
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January24th
The Lions’ Den Plan
Posted in: Ad Absurdum
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April26th
Greenwood Village, CO — Orange Glo International, makers of OxiClean, have announced their intention to hire Saddleback pastor and “Purpose Driven” author Rick Warren as the new commercial pitchman for their well-known laundry stain remover. Company representative Val Lewton explained that it has been a long, difficult process for them to find a suitable replacement for their former spokesman, the legendary Billy Mays who died last year of heart failure, but they believe Warren will more than fill Mays’ formidable beard.“We were very impressed by the video of Rick’s 2008 appearance on Hannity & Colmes when he asked people to try Jesus for 60 days and then offered a money back guarantee,” said Lewton. “When we saw him say that, we just looked at each other and said, ‘Now THERE’S a man who knows how to pitch a product!’”
Rick Warren was unavailable for comment, but sources close to the Orange County pastor believe he is leaning towards taking the job offer. There have been unconfirmed sightings of Warren wearing a blue shirt and khaki pants, sporting a darkly-dyed beard, and greeting church visitors with the loud statement, “Rick Warren here for Jesus Christ!”
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April7th
Buckaroo Brawl
Posted in: Dubious Photojournalism
Controversy ensued at the Texas Cowboy Church Conference when it was discovered that one of the speakers was from Oklahoma.
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June11th
Pastor Rick Warren, well-known for creating memorable acrostics to convey his groundbreaking church initiatives like PEACE, SHAPE and CHURCH, has unveiled his latest teaching on Christian humility called the RICK Plan. Says Warren, “As Christians who have received greater spiritual insight than people of other religions, we can easily fall into the trap of acting superior. But Jesus said we need to humbly serve others without concern for our preeminence in the world, and that’s what my new RICK Plan is all about.”RICK stands for: Remember others first; Imitate Christ; Create opportunities for service; and Keep your ego in check.
Warren believes his new strategy is essential for the success of the Church and plans to implement it throughout his Purpose Driven network until RICK covers the globe. “I’ve come to realize how important humility is, and I want other Christians to understand it, too,” Warren explained. “In fact, just the other day I was telling Bono how I practically created another Pentecost at Saddleback’s last membership drive. All of a sudden the phone rings and it’s a call from the White House. It was Barry wanting some pastoral advice. This is the kind of humbling situation that I hope others can learn to experience someday, too.”
When asked about the critics who charge that his new global humility plan is just a veiled marketing campaign to force his personal agenda on the Church, Warren responded, “Hey, the RICK Plan isn’t about me.”
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May18th
In an attempt to combat a severe drop in attendance every time their popular preacher goes on vacation, Marina Bay Community Church made the shocking announcement that they have cloned their longtime pastor, Rev. Spencer Klagg. To make this possible, Marina Bay enlisted the help of RevClone, a new Christian cloning facility in Southern California dedicated to multiplying the current pool of dynamic preaching celebrities.“As a cutting-edge mega church, we’re always looking for innovative ways to grow our church, and DNA duplication just seemed like a no-brainer,” explained church spokesman and elder, Clarence Ambrose. “Statistically our lowest Sunday attendance is when Pastor Klagg is on vacation and our associate pastor, Raymond Elliot, fills in. No offense to Raymond, but the people think Pastor Klagg’s monologue jokes are just plain funnier than Raymond’s prop comedy.”
By cloning their pastor, Marina Bay hopes to fill their 3,000 seat auditorium every Sunday, whether the original Pastor Klagg is in the pulpit or not. During those times when Klagg is taking time off, his clone will perform the pastoral duties in his stead, assuring the congregation of no interruption in enjoying their pastor’s unique spiritual gifts. “Not to mention keeping the weekly offering at the same high level as the attendance,” Ambrose added.
Not all church members, however, are pleased with the cloning of Pastor Klagg. Herm Tayback, a deacon for twenty years, is a vocal critic of the RevClone project. “Am I the only one creeping out over this? Last week the pastor was performing a wedding while his clone was back home mowing his lawn. I mean, are we gaining a spare pastor or giving Mrs. Klagg another husband to take out the garbage?”
Tayback also worries about possible theological ramifications. “Hey, I’ve seen those science fiction movies where the clone slowly goes insane because of a missing chromosome. What happens if Klagg’s twin loses his mind and starts preaching on sin and repentance? Good grief, we could lose half the congregation! In fact, I’ve shared these concerns with Pastor Klagg. At least I think I was talking to Pastor Klagg… Ooo, did anyone else just get a chill down their back?”
Regardless of the criticism, RevClone’s head scientist Farnsworth Diddle is quite proud of his work with Marina Bay, and he envisions a wide application for this new cloning technology. “Just think… churches won’t just use Rick Warren’s teachings, now they can hire a Rick Warren clone as their pastor.”
Deacon Tayback disagrees. “Don’t we have enough Rick Warren clones in churches already?”
All in all, Ambrose says Marina Bay is very pleased with the initial reaction to their new genetically-created pastor. “Attendance has never been better,” he reported happily. “But if we ever start losing folks, we’re not worried. Our contingency plan is to start cloning the congregation, too. Doesn’t science work in mysterious ways?”
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April8th
Phone Numbers
Posted in: Dubious Photojournalism
After accepting 2,400 new members into Saddleback Church in one day, Rick Warren attempts his next record-breaking feat: seeing how many people he can stuff into a phone booth.
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January23rd
Name Dropping
Posted in: Dubious Photojournalism
Much to the delight of charismatics everywhere, Rick Warren appears to suddenly speak in tongues during his Inauguration prayer.
