Church officials for Jerusalem’s Bus Stop, a gathering of Christ-followers in Boise, Idaho have reported that Pastor/Head Facilitator Tucker Wynn has taken a leave of absence in the wake of what they describe as Wynn “hitting a major pothole in his faith journey” when he told several people during his sermon to “shut up and read your Bible.”

Jacob Mason, the church’s Supervisor of Holistic Meditation, witnessed the shocking event. “Tuck was facilitating our usual sermon-dialogue time on Sunday when Karen, our director of pottery, tried to express her inner feelings on what God was saying to her. Before she could share her feelings, however, Tuck said that he had a feeling to share, too. He said he felt like she needed to shut up and focus on God’s word instead of her feelings. Needless to say, Karen’s feelings were hurt, so she told him how she felt about his feelings toward her. Then we opened up the discussion for others to express how they felt.”

According to several eyewitnesses, Pastor Wynn then screamed, “What is WRONG with you people!” and fled the building.

Sadly, this was not the first time Wynn had exhibited a drift toward fundamentalism and biblical certainty. Two months earlier, church leaders became concerned when Wynn became noticeably excited about ordering the new ESV Study Bible. “Things just didn’t seem right with Tuck after that,” said tattoo and piercing minister Leslie Moore. “First he started using big words like hermeneutics, exegesis, and perpiscuity. Then he started hammering us on doctrine, of all things. Before we knew it, he was blowing out our candles and turning up the dimmer switch in the sanctuary so we could read the Bible during worship. Talk about a buzz kill. We could barely see the Nooma videos with all the lights on.”

During his leave of absence, Pastor Wynn will be under medical supervision at Intermountain Hospital on a voluntary basis. “This break will be good for me,” Wynn confided from his bed. “The doctors have made me understand that I’m powerless to make people focus on the clear teachings of Scripture instead of their feelings. Obviously I can’t compete with their feelings, so I need to take a deep breath and stay calm. But it’s hard, you know?  Talking to them is like banging my head against a wall over and over and over again. Bam! Bam! Bam! I mean, what is with these people?! Why do they do this? Why?! Tell me, why?! WHY?!!— Um, can you excuse me a minute?… Nurse! I think I need another pill!”

While Wynn remains in padded wrist restraints, the church will continue their Sunday gatherings under the leadership of Associate Pastor Justin Hanna, who is confident of Wynn’s future return. “Everyone at Jerusalem’s Bus Stop has had a chance to share their feelings about what happened, and we’ve decided that our diverse faith community is tolerant enough to include rabid fundamentalists like Tuck who are hung up on the centrality of the Bible,” Hanna explained. “Of course, if he keeps trying to shove scripture down our throats all the time, we might have to share our feelings with him again.”

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