Correspondence from the Bohemian Baptist, September 2008:

A tragedy of biblical proportion is poised to strike our land and silence the very voice of Christianity in America. According to Religion News Service, the FCC is in the process of taking the unused segments of TV airwaves and licensing them to major corporations like Motorola and Google. These corporations will then use these “white space” frequencies for their broadband Internet services. The problem is, these frequencies are the very same ones which are currently being used by wireless microphone systems in thousands of churches across the country. If the FCC grants licensing to these corporations and doesn’t allow for the co-existence of wireless microphones in churches, then many of the hip, relevant worship leaders around the country might have to go without a microphone and be forced to do the unthinkable: Speak. Louder.

Frightened by this nightmarish scenario, many megachurches are actually petitioning the government to not sell any more of the white space frequencies unless they can share it.

What’s the big concern? Well, for starters, if churches had to quit using microphones it would take the “dramatic whisper” right out of a preacher’s repertoire of oratorical techniques. No longer would he or she be able to emphasize titillating words with discreet tones during their “God Wants You to Have Great Sex in Marriage” sermon series. Thunderous guitar riffs during praise time would also have to be dialed back so the unamplified lyrics to “Jesus, Take the Wheel” could be heard with mind-numbing clarity. And just imagine the sudden lack of biblical edification if the back rows of the congregation couldn’t hear the punch line to the pastor’s opening joke. Parishioners might actually have to take the Bluetooth out of their ears to hear better.

The only other option for these churches would be to go back to using antiquated wired microphones like Bob Barker used back in 1975 to spay and neuter the pet population on The Price is Right. But what a huge setback that would be for a church’s cutting-edge worship service. How could a pastor enter the pulpit while riding a Harley if one of his hands had to hold a corded microphone that could get tangled in the tires? How uncool is that, especially during the sanctity of the church’s Hog Week festivities.

Even if a church defies the government restrictions on white space frequencies and continues to use their wireless mikes, who’s to say that a nearby internet signal won’t cut into their audio during the sermon? If little Billy across the street is playing “Greyskull: Lord of Medieval Mayhem” online, will the congregation be able to tell the difference if the pastor’s voice suddenly changes to a menacing baritone and he seemingly boasts of his intention to take his wizard staff and smite the rebel gnome village by the power of Baldor? I bet the Bereans in attendance would wish they had a Bible nearby to reference that unknown scripture verse:

It’s not on the Powerpoint, Bob, but I’m thinking Old Testament. They did a lot of smiting back then.

Five bucks says it’s Revelation, Chuck. Pretty sure Hal Lindsey talked about one of the horseman of the Apocalypse having a wizard staff.

Thankfully, jumbo LED screens in the worship center will be able to compensate for the lack of audio prowess by providing bright objects and pretty colors. But is it really enough to bring personal growth, family unity and financial stability to today’s Christian? I think not.

I urge you, therefore, to write your congressman and ask him to stop the FCC from taking away the precious airwaves that our churches need in order to be vibrant and growing. This isn’t the 19th century where preachers were forced to preach the Gospel with the archaic tools of a strong voice and the power of the Holy Spirit. This is America, for crying out loud.

Of course, we can’t all be Joel Osteen with a $50,000 wireless mike system in a 400,000 square-foot sports arena. But just think how successful poor Charles Spurgeon might have been with better teeth, a gussied-up wife/co-pastor, and a Professional PG185 Condenser Lavalier Wireless Microphone, Bodypack Transmitter, and Dual Channel Diversity Receiver System blasting his positive thinking to the uttermost rafters of the Metropolitan Tabernacle in glorious high-definition sound.

By the power of Baldor, it makes my ears bleed just thinking about it.