(Disclaimer: My editor, Durwood Cumbey, insisted that I title this piece, Notes from Abroad. Please note, however, that I am, in fact, a DUDE. I hope this clears up any confusion that the title may have caused.)

I just flew in from Gaza, and boy, are my arms tired

I traveled to Gaza last week on assignment after my editor heard last December that Hamas, the extremist Palestinian group that governs there, had officially legalized crucifixion as a punishment against all enemies of Islam. I’m assuming, of course, that this was Hamas’ subtle warning to Christians to keep their nose out of their business, especially since being nailed to a cross has a fair amount of significance in our faith’s history. My editor, Durwood, thought I should go to Gaza and put together a report on this latest evidence of Christian persecution, but quite frankly I had to wonder if Durwood had it out for me. He even gave me Gospel tracts to pass out when I got there.

Thankfully, due to budgetary constraints, The Sacred Sandwich made travel arrangements through Big Al’s Discount Travelrama and I ended up in Northwest Iowa by mistake. Apparently there is more than one Gaza in the world, and I am happy to report that the small town of Gaza, Iowa, has no intention of crucifying Christians, Jews, or anyone else for that matter. Like their namesake in the Middle East, however, Gaza in Iowa does need to hear the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Funny how wherever you go in the world, this is the case.

As Christians we need to remember that the only lasting solution to all these problems of hate and sin in the world is the Good News of Jesus Christ. And that goes for the unsaved souls in the Gaza Strip and in Israel, as well as those in Gaza, Iowa. The only difference is, it’s a little bit easier to pass out tracts in Iowa—at least for now.

Looking for good Christian entertainment

Last week, I noticed that the movie “W.” came out on DVD. Being a big CCM fan, I immediately ran over to Blockbuster to rent it, but was a little disappointed to find out that it was NOT a Michael W. Smith biopic. Don’t be misled by the confusing title, folks. Apparently it’s all about George W. Bush. It’s a shame, too, because I was really looking forward to finding out how in the world Smith’s song, “Love Me Good,” became the bestselling Christian record of 1998. Here is just a sample of the lyrics that probably turned Charles Wesley’s grave into a speed rotisserie:

Sometimes I feel like this world
Is just one big, gigantic merry-go round
You gotta hold on tight
Or you get hurled thru the air
Yea, life is a 3 ring circus
With clowns and freaks and camels and such
And you never know when you might be attacked by the bears

“Attacked by the bears?” No offense, Michael W. Smith: You’ve produced a fair amount of  good quality Christian music, but what does the circus have to do with Christianity today? Uh, never mind. Now that I think about it, I already know the answer.

I think they call it Cafeteria Catholicism

In other news, House Speaker and self-professed “ardent Catholic” Nancy Pelosi met with the Pope this week. According to Vatican sources, Pope Benedict gave Ms. Pelosi (an abortion rights advocate) a short lecture on how a Catholic should always defend the sanctity of life from conception to natural death. You would think that getting scolded by her representative of Christ on earth would set Ms. Pelosi straight, but I doubt it. The conversation probably went something like this:

Pope: Nancy, what exactly is your deal about protecting abortion? Aren’t you worried about purgatory?
Nancy: Nothing that a little penance, and an indulgence or two won’t take care of.
Pope: I mean it, Nancy. You gotta start acting more Catholic or else.
Nancy: Yeah, whatever. Hey, you wanna see some pictures of my grandkids?
Pope: Awww… what a bunch of cutie-pies!

Yeah, I’m thinking Nancy won’t be leading the charge to ban abortion anytime soon. But I can still pray that she does.

Is there some dope in the pulpit?

Finally, this steroid doping scandal in Major League Baseball with players like Barry Bonds and A-Rod has got me thinking that maybe some preachers out there need to be tested, too. Over the last year, I’ve noticed a few “seeker-sensitive” pastors acting a little angry when believers in their congregation demand to be fed by their shepherds, as if that’s part of a pastor’s biblical duties or something.

Then, just recently, I heard Gary Lamb of Revolution Church say that one of his biggest regrets in life was that he didn’t clock some irritating church lady in the head with a baseball bat, punch her husband in the face, and set the church organ on fire. Lamb’s violent compulsions reminded me of Todd Bentley when he was smacking worshippers around during the Lakeland Revival last year.

Frankly, these examples of ill-tempered behavior sound exactly like what they call “Roid Rage,” a side effect of steroid use. I think maybe we should implement urine testing for pastors just in case it’s something more than stunted adolescent development or bad theology.

Whoops. I probably just scared the stuffing out of some of those hip and relevant postmodern Christians with the words, “urine testing.” Sorry about that, guys. Didn’t mean to harsh your buzz.