Fuller Theological Seminary announced today that a course in tap dancing will be added to the curriculum of their Master of Divinity program this spring. Don Ohlson, a spokesperson for Fuller, explained the reason behind the new addition: “We believe that in this postmodern climate of tolerance and political civility it is important to train our future pastors to be able to dance around biblical issues when necessary.”
According to Ohlson, Fuller officials saw a need for the tap dance course after one of their most prominent alumni, Pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback Community Church, lost some of his rhythm over the gay marriage issue in California. “Over the years, Rick has displayed some instinctive dance moves that have made his Christian message light and breezy,” said Ohlson, “but when he openly opposed gay marriage his footwork got a little too heavy and he had to do some serious back-shuffles to stay on Melissa Etheridge’s good side. Experts in the dance field tell us that if Rick had been given proper training and choreography during his seminary education, he could have easily avoided this whole controversy by using jazz hands, smiling real big, and doing a ‘shuffle-hop-tap-spring-tap-step-step’ to the left, and then to the right. He would have been off stage before anyone knew what hit them.”
Ohlson was quick to point out that Warren, despite his recent stumbles, still managed to make some impressive ballroom moves that swept Barack Obama off his feet and led to his invitation to offer the opening prayer at the Presidential Inauguration. “Even without formal dance training, Rick’s Fuller education undoubtedly provided him with the basic tools to become the theological hoofer that he is today,” said Ohlson. “By offering this new class on tap dance, we believe the next ‘Rick Warren’ that Fuller produces will be even more prepared to make the Gospel as entertaining and non-threatening as possible.”
The new Fuller class, Pastoral Tap Dance, will be held off-campus at Little Miss Starlet Dance Academy and Tanning Salon, with instruction by former Rockette, Tammi Lynn Marple. Marple, who has taught the academy’s “Beginning Tap for Four Year Olds and Up” class for twenty years, suggests that the Fuller seminary students who enroll should bring a juice box for break time and have their mommies or daddies drop them off five minutes early so they have time to warm up.
