The Sacred Sandwich
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  • June9th

    balloonbaptistAt a community college graduation ceremony I attended in May, I was taken aback by a piece of advice that the commencement speaker gave to the graduates near the end of his speech. He declared with all sincerity, “When you lay in bed at night, don’t forget to thank God, or your higher power, or your non-belief system for all the blessings in your life.”

    Yes, boys and girls, welcome to the new age of enlightenment where even atheists cannot be excluded from saying bedtime prayers to their “non-belief system.”

    In fairness it should be noted that this particular commencement speaker was the director of a non-profit human rights organization that promotes inclusion and diversity, and thus he has developed an expanded consciousness that makes him much more sensitive to all points of view. That’s why he could make such a profoundly idiotic statement like, “Thank your non-belief system for your life’s blessings,” and make it sound so culturally relevant and globally responsible. Wasn’t that nice of him?

    Frankly, I had no idea it was remotely possible for atheists to create their own deity named “Non-Belief System” and place it alongside the world’s other popular gods like Buddha, Krishna, and Barack Obama. Does this mean I have to say, “Non-Belief System bless you!” every time an atheist sneezes? Will we soon be seeing “Smile! Non-Belief System Loves You!” bumper stickers on cars? All I can say is, Non-Belief System forbid!

    I’m sure there must have been a few bright-eyed atheists among the graduating class who were initially charmed by the commencement speaker’s feel-good advice, but then when they tried to put that advice into practice, they became as horrified as Isaac Watts at a Dove Awards ceremony. I can hear their train of thought now: “Thank you, Non-Belief System, for blessing me with… hey, wait a minute! What am I DOING?! If I give thanks to an entity outside myself, then I’m creating belief in another power, which is like God, and I don’t believe in God, so who am I really thanking? Hoo, boy, I almost slipped into theism there. That was a close one!”

    Good grief, even an atheist with a two-year degree could smell the potential hypocrisy a mile away.

    The sad thing is, the commencement speaker was on the right track before he got stuck in the tar pit of political correctness. Indeed, we need to remember to thank God for all the blessings in our lives, and thank Him alone for things like our health, our family and friends, or even the amazing ShamWow—if that’s what floats your boat. Why? Because God is the only true source of our blessings. These blessings don’t come from luck or science, and they certainly don’t come from something as impotent and self-serving as a “Non-Belief System.”

    The refusal to acknowledge this truth is a dangerous thing. The Bible makes it very clear that people who feel inclined to deny the reality of God in their lives are “without excuse” because God is “clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made.” The Apostle Paul then tells us that these people deep down know God exists, but they refuse to honor Him or give Him thanks as God. Eventually, under the weight of God’s wrath, they become futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts are darkened (Romans 1:21).

    So come on, graduates, don’t be afraid to give credit where credit is due! If a friend gives you a gift, you don’t say “thank you” to good fortune; you direct your gratitude to your friend, the giver. This is how you properly honor the one who gave you the gift. Therefore when you lay in bed at night and feel the desire to express thanks for the blessings in your life, you should feel free to say a prayer to the true God who bestowed those blessings on you and see if it doesn’t inject actual power and purpose into your sense of gratitude and tap into a deep reservoir of thankfulness you never realized you had. Maybe, just maybe, this humble act of acknowledging the truth about God will reverberate in your heart and eventually bring the realization of your need for Jesus Christ, the Greatest Blessing of all. That certainly is my prayer for everyone.

    I suppose saying such things in these postmodern times would make me a very poor commencement speaker, but I don’t really care. At least God will get all the glory, instead of some non-belief system that never did anything for anybody. Bottom line, we need to be praying more like this:

    O my God,
    Thou fairest, greatest, first of all objects,
    my heart admires, adores, loves thee,
    for my little vessel is as full as it can be,
    and I would pour out all that fullness before thee in ceaseless flow.
    When I think upon and converse with thee
    ten thousand delightful thoughts spring up,
    ten thousand sources of pleasure are unsealed,
    ten thousand refreshing joys spread over my heart,
    crowding into every moment of happiness.
    I bless thee for the soul thou hast created,
    for adorning it, sanctifying it,
    though it is fixed in barren soil;
    for the body thou hast given me,
    for preserving its strength and vigour,
    for providing senses to enjoy delights,
    for the ease and freedom of my limbs,
    for hands, eyes, ears that do thy bidding;
    for thy royal bounty providing my daily support,
    for a full table and overflowing cup,
    for appetite, taste, sweetness,
    for social joys of relatives and friends,
    for ability to serve others,
    for a heart that feels sorrows and necessities,
    for a mind to care for my fellow-men,
    for opportunities of spreading happiness around,
    for loved ones in the joys of heaven,
    for my own expectation of seeing thee clearly.
    I love thee above the powers of language to express,
    for what thou art to thy creatures.
    Increase my love, O my God, through time and eternity.

    (from Valley of Vision)

    Now THAT’S what I call giving thanks!

  • November5th

    Tired of seeing their faith grow stale, the ladies at Gardenview Family Church bring in Tupperware expert Jeannie Pritchard to show them how to lock in freshness.

  • October16th

    Dear Twin Theologians: My dentist wants me to start flossing religiously. As a Christian, is this even possible? —Karl Wooten, Caspar, WY

    Maurice: Karl, as Christians, we believe we are saved by grace and not by the works of the floss.

    Emmett: However, flossing does save you from a future visit to The Denture Depot.

    Maurice: True, but we shouldn’t confuse dentistry with religious activity, Emmett.

    Emmett: Don’t be so sure, brother. There happens to be a very prominent flossing cult right here in the USA. In fact, four out of five dentists recommend it.

    Maurice: That’s ridiculous. I’ve never heard of it.

    Emmett: Sure you have. Benny Hinn Ministries? They promise all these miracles that never happen, then they take all your money.

    Maurice: Wait a minute… you don’t mean flossing, Emmett. That’s fleecing.

    Emmett: Oh, my bad.

    Maurice: Let’s not get distracted here. We were talking about how Karl can floss religiously.

    Emmett: Well, for the sake of Karl’s oral health, I think we need to assess his spiritual condition before he follows his dentist’s instructions.

    Maurice: How so?

    Emmett: Well, how does Karl practice his Christianity? I mean, some professed Christians only “floss” during church on Sunday mornings, while others “floss” morning and night throughout the week… if you know what I mean.

    Maurice: Oh, I see what you mean. Clever metaphor.

    Emmett: Then you have some folks who are content, once a year, to use the edge of a credit card to dig out that stubborn wedge of ham gristle between their teeth after they’ve been to the All-You-Can-Eat Easter Brunch at Ponderosa.

    Maurice: All right! All right! I think we get the picture, Emmett. I think what you’re trying to say is that if Karl is a Christian who exhibits an active faith in Christ on a daily basis, then his flossing, if done religiously, will be a daily activity as well.

    Emmett: No, what I’m saying is that Karl needs to find himself a new dentist.

    Maurice: Why’s that?

    Emmett: Because flossing is Old School, Maurice. If Karl’s dentist is going to promote dental hygiene as a religion, he needs to be more cutting-edge and culturally relevant.

    Maurice: And how does he do that?

    Emmett: One word: Waterpik.

    Maurice: Good grief, Emmett, this is ridiculous. What’s wrong with a good old-fashioned toothpick?

    Emmett: Fundamentalist!

    Maurice: Waterpikite!

    Emmett: Huh?

    Maurice: Okay, okay, truce. If we end up in a scuffle, we might knock each other’s teeth out. Then where would we be?

    Emmett: Probably The Denture Depot.

    Maurice: Well, at least we wouldn’t have to worry about flossing religiously.

    Emmett: By the way, you wouldn’t happen to have a toothpick on you, would you?

    Maurice: Maybe, why?

    Emmett: I think I have a piece of Sacred Sandwich stuck in my teeth.

    Maurice: Cute.