In an effort to stem the tide of global warming, Raintree Christian Fellowship began worshipping in the dark this month by turning off the earth-destroying electricity to their building. Though temporarily blinded by the decision, the congregation has seen a sharp increase in spirituality and stubbed toes.

“Turning off the lights has really forced us to find God and each other by using our other four senses,” said Pastor Mike Gruber. “Thankfully, since most of us also reject the use of cancer-causing deodorants, it wasn’t really hard to find each other in the dark. At first I wondered who brought the dead possum in here, but then I realized it was just Bob.”

Church member Serena Vanderhoff is thrilled with the congregation’s newfound enlightenment in the absence of light. “Worshipping in the dark is a very freeing experience that allows you to be yourself,” she said while waiting for Sunday service to start. “When people can’t see you, you can’t be judged if you take a nap during the sermon or you aren’t wearing appropriate clothes for church. In fact, I’m buck naked right now.”

Earlier in the year, Raintree had utilized a large number of candles to better facilitate their rejection of electric light, but this solution was deemed to be a compromise that only compounded the problem. “Not only do the polluting factories that make these candles contribute to the raping of the environment, but the candle flames themselves put out a tremendous amount of heat that could slowly melt the ice caps,” explained Pastor Mike. “Our motto is: ‘Light a candle, kill a polar bear’… Um, no offense to our Catholic friends and their murderous votives.”

In recognition of their sacrifice to save the planet, former Vice President and noted global warming expert Al Gore made a surprise visit to Raintree last Sunday to support them in their efforts. “He did?” remarked a dumbfounded Pastor Mike. “Well, crud, I didn’t even see him. Come to think of it, I can’t see anyone in here.”

Future plans for Raintree include the possibility of putting in windows. “I personally think it would be a good idea to bring in some natural light so I can see if anyone is even attending the service,” said Pastor Mike, “but then again we don’t want to appear to be supporting solar resources when there is significant evidence to suggest that the sun is a major contributor to global warming. I mean, do we really want that on our consciences?”

Share on Facebook