Usually the Christmas season is a very busy time for wise man impersonator and nativity performer, Al Benson. But these days Benson spends most of his days in the unemployment office or panhandling on the street corner with his pet camel, Mildred. Why? Blame George Bush and improved biblical scrutiny for his misfortune.
Due to the current recession, churches around the country have been forced to scale back their Christmas pageants and living nativities, putting thousands of wise men out of work. “Many churches this year are in a budget crunch and had to make some tough choices about which aspect of the Christmas story was the most expendable,” explained religious analyst Chet Matterhorn. “Oxen were high on the list, but when all was said and done, the three wise men were the odd men out… no pun intended.”
According to Bill Underwood, nativity coordinator for First Community Church, their decision to fire Al Benson and the other two wise men wasn’t based on financial concerns alone. “This was a biblical decision, really. We were about to give pink slips to our Little Drummer Boy and Nestor the Long-Eared Donkey, but then one of our deacons asked why we were keeping the wise men around when they never visited the manger in the first place. Sure enough, when we checked our Bibles we learned that the wise men apparently didn’t visit baby Jesus until He was one or two years old and living in a house. After discovering that little detail, we decided that kicking the wise men to the curb was the only Christian thing to do.”
Though the sudden removal of the wise men has dampened the holiday spirit of some visitors to First Community’s Living Nativity, most people are glad that the core elements of this popular Christmas tradition are still intact. “Sure I miss those guys,” admitted longtime nativity fan, Betty Willingham. “But the nativity still has the Talking Christmas Tree reciting the second chapter of Luke and the laser light show pulsating to the sounds of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. These are the memorable sights and sounds that really make the Incarnation special to me. Oh, and the baby Jesus, of course.”
Just a few blocks away from the festive nativity, however, is the flip side of this year’s Christmas. There on a street corner, Benson and his camel, Mildred, sip cheap eggnog from a paper bag and contemplate a future with very few career options for an unemployed wise man. Forced to live on spare change that people toss into an empty frankincense box, Benson still hopes he can find steady work before the heavy snows come. “With my fancy robe and turban, I figure my job prospects are down to a genie or a spokesman for OPEC,” said Benson. “I also thought about going into politics, but there hasn’t been a wise man in that field for a long, long time.”
Mildred, on the other hand, is hoping to land a lucrative modeling contract with Maybelline. Says Benson, “She’s got big brown eyes and amazingly long eyelashes, you know. She could become the next Cindy Crawford if she just learns to suppress her natural impulse to spit in people’s faces when irritated.”
For now, Benson will continue to go door-to-door in neighborhoods around town hoping to score a temporary gig in a family’s outdoor manger display. Sadly, the opportunities are scare as more and more Christians become culturally relevant. “Most of the holiday yard decorations these days are giant inflatable snowmen or animated reindeer from Home Depot,” laments Benson. “Quite frankly, I can’t compete against home improvement stores and their unholy grip on suburban America. I just wish I had listened to my mom and gone to St. Nicholas University after high school instead of the Wise Men Academy. I could be living comfortably as a respectable Mall Santa and hanging out with jolly elves instead of this smelly, bi-polar camel.”
