Dear Twins: I’m having a little get-together at my house to celebrate Calvin’s 500th birthday in July. Do you have any recommendations on appropriate party snacks I could serve? — Caroline Burr, Casper, WY

Maurice: Good question, Caroline. With all the whoop-de-doo about Calvin’s 500th, you would think just one reformed theologian out there would have the decency to shut up about Calvin’s influence on soteriology long enough to tell us what kind of treats to bring to a party.

Emmett: You came to the right place, Caroline. Maurice and I are known as the idiot-savants of Calvinistic party planning.

Maurice: Well, you’re half right.

Emmett: Needless to say, a “Calvin 500″ celebration needs to serve munchies that are tasty, yet doctrinally correct. A reformed party could be easily ruined if one were to accidentally serve profane food like sushi, tofu, or God forbid, quiche. Many a sound Calvinist have been led down the road to Arminianism with their first bite of spinach florentine.

Maurice: That’s fine, Emmett, but we need to remember that Calvin was born in France. That’s why I believe Caroline’s best bet for laying out a stunning “Calvin 500″ spread would be with French cuisine. In fact, serving an array of gourmet cheeses and fine wines would be a splendid choice, along with other French favorites like coq au vin, foie gras, escargot…

Emmett: Don’t forget McDonald’s French fries.

Maurice: That’s not French, Emmett. That’s fast food. A French delicacy like escargot is not in the same category as fast food.

Emmett: I agree. Snails are neither “fast” nor “food.”

Maurice: (Sighs) As I was saying: there are several varieties of wines that match up well with gourmet cheeses. For example, an excellent pairing would be French chevre with a Robert Mondavi Pinot Noir.

Emmett: For the Reformed Baptist teetotaler, might I suggest a fine Welch’s white or a full-bodied Juicy Juice from 2005? I understand it was a very good year for juice boxes.

Maurice: (Glaring) Can I finish?

Emmett: Not if you’re going to lead Caroline astray with all this Frenchie foo-foo nonsense. You’ve been spending way too much time watching Ratatouille instead of studying your Reformation history, brother.

Maurice: What are you prattling on about?

Emmett: Obviously, Maurice, you’ve forgotten the historical precedent that should guide the planning of every Calvinistic party menu. This was all laid out at the Synod of Dort way back in 1618.

Maurice: It was?

Emmett: And you call yourself a theologian? Good grief, man, if you spent any time doing research you would have been aware that a small group of men from a Synod of Dort breakout session got together for breakfast on Saturday morning, November 17th, 1618 at the local Denny’s and proceeded to codify Calvin’s favorite party food for the benefit of the Reformed churches.

Maurice: I must have missed that Home Ec class at seminary.

Emmett: Seriously? You don’t remember the Five Points of Calvinism?

Maurice: Of course I remember the Five Points, Emmett. But what does TULIP have to do with party food?

Emmett: No, no, no. Not TULIP, silly. The other Five Points of Calvinism.

Maurice: The other Five Points?

Emmett: Yes, the lesser-known acronym: PIZZA.

Maurice: Oh, you got to be kidding me.

Emmett: I’m pretty sure it’s right there in the original Latin manuscript of the Canons of Dort somewhere. Granted, most people don’t know about it because Theodore Trochin, the butter-fingered delegate from Geneva, spilled orange juice on the manuscript while he was taking notes and eating his western omelette, so it’s hard to make out.

Maurice: All right, genius. So what does PIZZA stand for?

Emmett: Pepperoni, Irresistible Tomato Sauce, Zee Veggies, Zee Mozzarella, and of course, Antacids.

Maurice: “Zee Veggies, Zee Mozzarella”?

Emmett: Yeah, Calvin was French. That’s the way French people talk. You know, for example, “What iz zee matter with yoo, yoo stoopeed American?!”

Maurice: Heard that question a lot, have you?

Emmett: The point is, Caroline needs to stick with the Canons of Dort on this one. Of course, reformers have been known to modernize the terms throughout the years, so “Pepperoni” can be substituted with “Pick Your Own Meat” without really harming the Synod’s original acronym. However, I do believe R.C. Sproul went a little too far in his book, Grace Unknown, when he suggested that “Pineapple and Ham” was a viable alternative. That’s just wrong.

Maurice: Ah, yes, the famous Hawaiian Pizza Downgrade controversy.

Emmett: You mock me, Maurice, but pizza has always been an important fixture in the Reformation. According to some historians, John Knox was notorious for calling in pizza orders and having them delivered to unsuspecting Catholics as a prank. They say Mary Queen of Scots was none too pleased when a stack of deep-dish haggis pizzas showed up at her door and she was stuck with the bill.

Maurice: Haggis pizza? That’s disgusting. I think my stomach just rolled up into my mouth.

Emmett: That’s why we have the “A” in PIZZA, brother. Those boys in the Synod were geniuses when it came to fighting Arminians and acid reflux.

Maurice: I’ve got just one question for you, Emmett. In the immortal words of John Calvin: “What iz zee matter with yoo?”

Emmett: Could you repeat that in English?

Maurice: Come on! You’re making up all this stuff because your favorite food is pizza. This doesn’t have anything to do with Calvinism. You’re just hungry and it’s almost time for lunch.

Emmett: Well, you have to admit that pizza sounds really yummy right now.

Maurice: Well, sure, now that you mention it.

Emmett: You wanna order a Pick Your Own Meat: Sausage Pizza with Irresistible Sauce, Zee onions and green peppers. Zee cheese, and some Tropical Fruit Flavored Tums?

Maurice: All right, but can we skip the Antacids and replace the “A” with Anchovies?

Emmett: (Gasp) HERETIC!!