The Sacred Sandwich
  • Twin Theologians

  • June22nd

    9 Comments

    What To Serve For Calvin’s Birthday Bash

    Posted in: Twin Theologians

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    Dear Twins: I’m having a little get-together at my house to celebrate Calvin’s 500th birthday in July. Do you have any recommendations on appropriate party snacks I could serve? — Caroline Burr, Casper, WY

    Maurice: Good question, Caroline. With all the whoop-de-doo about Calvin’s 500th, you would think just one reformed theologian out there would have the decency to shut up about Calvin’s influence on soteriology long enough to tell us what kind of treats to bring to a party.

    Emmett: You came to the right place, Caroline. Maurice and I are known as the idiot-savants of Calvinistic party planning.

    Maurice: Well, you’re half right.

    Emmett: Needless to say, a “Calvin 500″ celebration needs to serve munchies that are tasty, yet doctrinally correct. A reformed party could be easily ruined if one were to accidentally serve profane food like sushi, tofu, or God forbid, quiche. Many a sound Calvinist have been led down the road to Arminianism with their first bite of spinach florentine.

    Maurice: That’s fine, Emmett, but we need to remember that Calvin was born in France. That’s why I believe Caroline’s best bet for laying out a stunning “Calvin 500″ spread would be with French cuisine. In fact, serving an array of gourmet cheeses and fine wines would be a splendid choice, along with other French favorites like coq au vin, foie gras, escargot…

    Emmett: Don’t forget McDonald’s French fries.

    Maurice: That’s not French, Emmett. That’s fast food. A French delicacy like escargot is not in the same category as fast food.

    Emmett: I agree. Snails are neither “fast” nor “food.”

    Maurice: (Sighs) As I was saying: there are several varieties of wines that match up well with gourmet cheeses. For example, an excellent pairing would be French chevre with a Robert Mondavi Pinot Noir.

    Emmett: For the Reformed Baptist teetotaler, might I suggest a fine Welch’s white or a full-bodied Juicy Juice from 2005? I understand it was a very good year for juice boxes.

    Maurice: (Glaring) Can I finish?

    Emmett: Not if you’re going to lead Caroline astray with all this Frenchie foo-foo nonsense. You’ve been spending way too much time watching Ratatouille instead of studying your Reformation history, brother.

    Maurice: What are you prattling on about?

    Emmett: Obviously, Maurice, you’ve forgotten the historical precedent that should guide the planning of every Calvinistic party menu. This was all laid out at the Synod of Dort way back in 1618.

    Maurice: It was?

    Emmett: And you call yourself a theologian? Good grief, man, if you spent any time doing research you would have been aware that a small group of men from a Synod of Dort breakout session got together for breakfast on Saturday morning, November 17th, 1618 at the local Denny’s and proceeded to codify Calvin’s favorite party food for the benefit of the Reformed churches.

    Maurice: I must have missed that Home Ec class at seminary.

    Emmett: Seriously? You don’t remember the Five Points of Calvinism?

    Maurice: Of course I remember the Five Points, Emmett. But what does TULIP have to do with party food?

    Emmett: No, no, no. Not TULIP, silly. The other Five Points of Calvinism.

    Maurice: The other Five Points?

    Emmett: Yes, the lesser-known acronym: PIZZA.

    Maurice: Oh, you got to be kidding me.

    Emmett: I’m pretty sure it’s right there in the original Latin manuscript of the Canons of Dort somewhere. Granted, most people don’t know about it because Theodore Trochin, the butter-fingered delegate from Geneva, spilled orange juice on the manuscript while he was taking notes and eating his western omelette, so it’s hard to make out.

    Maurice: All right, genius. So what does PIZZA stand for?

    Emmett: Pepperoni, Irresistible Tomato Sauce, Zee Veggies, Zee Mozzarella, and of course, Antacids.

    Maurice: “Zee Veggies, Zee Mozzarella”?

    Emmett: Yeah, Calvin was French. That’s the way French people talk. You know, for example, “What iz zee matter with yoo, yoo stoopeed American?!”

    Maurice: Heard that question a lot, have you?

    Emmett: The point is, Caroline needs to stick with the Canons of Dort on this one. Of course, reformers have been known to modernize the terms throughout the years, so “Pepperoni” can be substituted with “Pick Your Own Meat” without really harming the Synod’s original acronym. However, I do believe R.C. Sproul went a little too far in his book, Grace Unknown, when he suggested that “Pineapple and Ham” was a viable alternative. That’s just wrong.

    Maurice: Ah, yes, the famous Hawaiian Pizza Downgrade controversy.

    Emmett: You mock me, Maurice, but pizza has always been an important fixture in the Reformation. According to some historians, John Knox was notorious for calling in pizza orders and having them delivered to unsuspecting Catholics as a prank. They say Mary Queen of Scots was none too pleased when a stack of deep-dish haggis pizzas showed up at her door and she was stuck with the bill.

    Maurice: Haggis pizza? That’s disgusting. I think my stomach just rolled up into my mouth.

    Emmett: That’s why we have the “A” in PIZZA, brother. Those boys in the Synod were geniuses when it came to fighting Arminians and acid reflux.

    Maurice: I’ve got just one question for you, Emmett. In the immortal words of John Calvin: “What iz zee matter with yoo?”

    Emmett: Could you repeat that in English?

    Maurice: Come on! You’re making up all this stuff because your favorite food is pizza. This doesn’t have anything to do with Calvinism. You’re just hungry and it’s almost time for lunch.

    Emmett: Well, you have to admit that pizza sounds really yummy right now.

    Maurice: Well, sure, now that you mention it.

    Emmett: You wanna order a Pick Your Own Meat: Sausage Pizza with Irresistible Sauce, Zee onions and green peppers. Zee cheese, and some Tropical Fruit Flavored Tums?

    Maurice: All right, but can we skip the Antacids and replace the “A” with Anchovies?

    Emmett: (Gasp) HERETIC!!

  • April22nd

    26 Comments

    The Twin Theologians and the Evil Opie Conspiracy

    Posted in: Twin Theologians

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    Dear Theological Duo: As a big fan of both Jesus and Tom Hanks, I can’t decide if I should see “The Da Vinci Code” and the sequel coming out in May, ”Angels and Demons.” Can you give me a good theological argument for boycotting these films? — Jim Wainscott, Tempe, AZ

    Maurice: I hear you, Jimbo. It’s hard to boycott a Tom Hanks movie, even when it’s questioning the validity of Biblical Christianity. Seems a shame to let any pesky allegiance to truth stand in the way of watching a good thriller about conspiracy theories within Christendom.

    Emmett: On the contrary, Maurice. I happen to have my own conspiracy theory about these movies that I hope makes Jim think twice about buying a theater ticket. I’m talking, of course, about the secret ”Evil Opie” cabal I recently uncovered.

    Maurice: Evil Opie?

    Emmett: That’s right. As you may know, the director of The Da Vinci Code and Angels & Demons is Ron Howard, a former child actor who played Opie Taylor on The Andy Griffith Show in the 1960s. For anyone who saw the satanic overtones of this boy’s depraved behavior on that show, it should give any God-fearing moviegoer second thoughts about seeing Opie’s films.

    Maurice: Wow. I’m surprised Floyd the barber didn’t find 666 etched on the boy’s scalp while trimming his devil-red hair.

    Emmett: You mock, Maurice, but I have documented proof. Case in point: Episode 64 titled “Opie’s Rival” that originally aired December 3, 1962. Little Opie becomes jealous of Andy’s new girlfriend, Peggy, and precedes to blatantly sabotage their relationship with cunning trickery. I get a chill down my spine just thinking about the sinister look in Opie’s eyes when he purposely loses a note from Peggy that he was supposed to give to Andy.

    Maurice: Not to mention the other episodes where we witness Opie kill a mother bird, lie about his school grades, and later form a teen rock band.

    Emmett: Exactly. Is this the kind of person that we can trust to produce proper Hollywood entertainment about Christianity for Christians? I think not. Boycott this film, Jim, before the ungodly influence of Evil Opie spreads any further.

    Maurice: Aunt Bea must be rolling in her grave.

    Emmett: I doubt it. She was part of the Mayberry Illuminati.

    Maurice: Oh, good grief…

    Emmett: This is serious stuff, Maurice. By exposing the “Evil Opie” connection, my life is now in extreme danger. Do you think it was a coincidence that Don Knotts died just months before the Da Vinci Code film came out?

    Maurice: You mean… ?

    Emmett: That’s right. Barney Fife knew too much.

    Maurice: ‘Nuff said, Emmett… You better nip it. Nip it in the bud.

  • March11th

    7 Comments

    The Twin Theologians and Latin

    Posted in: Twin Theologians

    Dear Twin Theologians:  Why do theologians use Latin so much? Aren’t you just pompous jerks trying to make us less-educated Christians feel stupid? — Beverly Elgar, Pomona, CA

    Emmett: Dear Beverly, I could accuse you of ad-hominem rhetoric, but you aren’t smart enough to know what I’m talking about.

    Maurice: Real funny, Emmett, but Beverly has a point. Indeed, for centuries Latin has been the preferred language of priests who flaunted their education in front of the common folk. Only recently have Protestants begun asking the question, why do Catholics get to have all the fun? Now all Christians have the opportunity to be condescending to others by speaking Latin.

    Emmett: Except for Baptists, who are more apt to speak in Pig Latin, which is more expedient for relaying important information like, “Ixnay on the eerbay. Here comes the astorpay.”

    Maurice: Nevertheless, Emmett, classic Latin is a language that can easily be used by every denomination because of its historical significance to Christianity. Need I remind you that one of the first Bibles used by Christians was called the Latin Vulgate?

    Emmett: Not to be confused with the Latin Vulcan which was used by Mr. Spock.

    Maurice: Whatever. The point is, that Christians like Beverly should not feel intimidated by theologians who use Latin. There are many wonderful Latin phrases that richly define our faith…

    Emmett: Not to mention giving Christian blogs some instant theological bling-bling.

    Maurice: I was thinking more about those powerful Latin phrases such as sola Scriptura… soli Deo gloria…

    Emmett: …I am Spartacus…

    Maurice: …I’m ignoring you now. To answer your question, Beverly, the next time some pompous jerk speaks to you in Latin, just answer him, “Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure,” which roughly translates, “I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.” That will stop him in his tracks and show him that you aren’t stupid after all.

    Emmett: Oh, yeah, like putting a banana in her ear makes Beverly look smarter.

    Maurice: I wish I had a couple bananas right now, Spartacus.

  • February20th

    5 Comments

    The Twin Theologians and Blog Trolls

    Posted in: Twin Theologians

    Dear Twin Theologians: I’m a novice Christian blogger with a problem. Recently, a frequent visitor to my site has been posting nasty, derogatory comments just to tick me off. How do I get rid of him? — Odell Middleton, Fort Collins, CO

    Maurice: Thanks for the question, Odell. Sadly, you have acquired what is known in the blogging world as a “Blog Troll.” These are depraved individuals who interlace their pseudo-intellectual comments with obtuse rants and ad hominem attacks for the sole purpose of punishing those who disagree with their “superior” view. Their primary source of sustenance comes from your response. Any continued dialogue with them will only lead to the trolls moving in and leaving large piles of troll dung in every corner of your blog home. My advice: ban his sorry IP address.

    Emmett: Au contraire, dear Maurice. The “IP ban” technique is a very inhumane and ineffective tool that only leads to the “problem trolls” wandering loose through the cyber-neighborhood and wreaking havoc elsewhere. You must get to the root of the behavioral problem to completely solve this issue.

    Maurice: And when did you become such an expert on the subject, brother?

    Emmett: You may not know this, Maurice, but I am well known throughout the blogging community as the “Troll Whisperer.”

    Maurice: The Troll Whisperer?

    Emmett: That’s right. I have devoted my life to rehabilitating wayward blog trolls and making blog owners more effective leaders through a psychological methodology I call “Troll Control.” In fact, after we received this question, I had a private consultation with our letter writer, Odell, and was able to track down his troll and bring him with me today for a demonstration. Maurice, please say hello to “pomokid83.”

    Maurice: Er… hello, troll.

    pomokid83: Nice to meet you, Maurice. Your reputation as a theologian is preceded only by your horrendous breath. Seriously, did a possum crawl into your mouth and die?

    Emmett: Tsss!!

    pomokid83: Ow! Quit jabbing me in the neck, dude!

    Maurice: Whoa, Emmett. Why’d you just poke him like that?

    Emmett: I applied a simple but sharp correction with my index and middle finger to position myself as troll leader. We must distract the troll’s aggressive mindset and put him in a submissive state in order to create acceptable behavior.

    pomokid83: Making me submissive could take a while, Emmett. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.

    Emmett: Tsss!!

    pomokid83: Oww!

    Maurice: Is this really working, Emmett?

    Emmett: Patience, brother. Trolls are obstinate creatures who will try any tactic to reassert dominance. Don’t be surprised if he suddenly sprays you with urine to mark his territory. Not that your polyester pants couldn’t repel it.

    pomokid83: Come on, guys, gimme a break! I am NOT a troll.

    Emmett: …… Yeah… riiight.

    pomokid83: No really, I’m not a troll. The only reason I commented on Odell’s blog was to refute his heretical Pelagian notion that man possesses an innate goodness that allows him to freely choose between good and evil, despite a slight proclivity towards sin. The dude completely ignored my multiple scriptural citations supporting total depravity and the absolute necessity of God’s work of grace in salvation. I was merely trying to reason with him and he basically blew me off.

    Emmett: Wait a minute… you’re not a troll. You’re just a smart-aleck Calvinist.

    pomokid83: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.

    Emmett: Wow… this Odell guy sounds like a real piece of work. No wonder you went off on him.

    pomokid83: Tell me about it.

    Emmett: Well, this is a little embarrassing. I guess I can take the leash off you now.

    pomokid83: I’d appreciate it.

    Maurice: Whew, thank goodness we got that cleared up. Apparently a troll is in the eye of the beholder. Got any other brilliant ideas, Mr. Troll Whisperer?

    Emmett: Tsss!!

    Maurice: Ouch! That hurt, Emmett!

    Emmett: Egads, the applications of my training technique are endless!

  • October16th

    3 Comments

    Christianity With Some Real Teeth

    Posted in: Twin Theologians

    Dear Twin Theologians: My dentist wants me to start flossing religiously. As a Christian, is this even possible? —Karl Wooten, Caspar, WY

    Maurice: Karl, as Christians, we believe we are saved by grace and not by the works of the floss.

    Emmett: However, flossing does save you from a future visit to The Denture Depot.

    Maurice: True, but we shouldn’t confuse dentistry with religious activity, Emmett.

    Emmett: Don’t be so sure, brother. There happens to be a very prominent flossing cult right here in the USA. In fact, four out of five dentists recommend it.

    Maurice: That’s ridiculous. I’ve never heard of it.

    Emmett: Sure you have. Benny Hinn Ministries? They promise all these miracles that never happen, then they take all your money.

    Maurice: Wait a minute… you don’t mean flossing, Emmett. That’s fleecing.

    Emmett: Oh, my bad.

    Maurice: Let’s not get distracted here. We were talking about how Karl can floss religiously.

    Emmett: Well, for the sake of Karl’s oral health, I think we need to assess his spiritual condition before he follows his dentist’s instructions.

    Maurice: How so?

    Emmett: Well, how does Karl practice his Christianity? I mean, some professed Christians only “floss” during church on Sunday mornings, while others “floss” morning and night throughout the week… if you know what I mean.

    Maurice: Oh, I see what you mean. Clever metaphor.

    Emmett: Then you have some folks who are content, once a year, to use the edge of a credit card to dig out that stubborn wedge of ham gristle between their teeth after they’ve been to the All-You-Can-Eat Easter Brunch at Ponderosa.

    Maurice: All right! All right! I think we get the picture, Emmett. I think what you’re trying to say is that if Karl is a Christian who exhibits an active faith in Christ on a daily basis, then his flossing, if done religiously, will be a daily activity as well.

    Emmett: No, what I’m saying is that Karl needs to find himself a new dentist.

    Maurice: Why’s that?

    Emmett: Because flossing is Old School, Maurice. If Karl’s dentist is going to promote dental hygiene as a religion, he needs to be more cutting-edge and culturally relevant.

    Maurice: And how does he do that?

    Emmett: One word: Waterpik.

    Maurice: Good grief, Emmett, this is ridiculous. What’s wrong with a good old-fashioned toothpick?

    Emmett: Fundamentalist!

    Maurice: Waterpikite!

    Emmett: Huh?

    Maurice: Okay, okay, truce. If we end up in a scuffle, we might knock each other’s teeth out. Then where would we be?

    Emmett: Probably The Denture Depot.

    Maurice: Well, at least we wouldn’t have to worry about flossing religiously.

    Emmett: By the way, you wouldn’t happen to have a toothpick on you, would you?

    Maurice: Maybe, why?

    Emmett: I think I have a piece of Sacred Sandwich stuck in my teeth.

    Maurice: Cute.

  • September29th

    3 Comments

    “Fireproof” Is Not About Asbestos Underwear

    Posted in: Twin Theologians

    Dear Twin Theologians: I don’t know if you’ve heard about this great new movie called Fireproof, starring our little growing pain Kirk Cameron, but I was wondering what you thought of its theological message? Personally I think it’s a must-see, but I’m not one to plug. —Todd Friel, Bellflower, CA

    Maurice: Thanks for writing in, Todd. As a matter of fact, Emmett and I went to the Babylon Megaplex 100 this week and saw the movie. It was a well-crafted film that dramatizes the effects of sin and the power of a biblical marriage, and best of all, it doesn’t compromise on its clear presentation of the Gospel. This is a Christian movie that is not ashamed of Christ. I give it two “bible-thumps” up.

    Emmett: Whoa, wait just a minute, Maurice. Are you kidding me? Fireproof was nothing more than a lame chick flick.

    Maurice: Chick flick?

    Emmett: Exhibit A: they had wild horses running on the beach in one scene. That’s totally chick territory, man. After watching this movie, I had to scratch myself inappropriately and spit just to regain my manhood.

    Maurice: What are you talking about?

    Emmett: Okay, okay… maybe I cried a little during the sad parts.

    Maurice: No, really. What are you talking about, Emmett?

    Emmett: I’m talking about this cinematic dud we saw together. What was the deal with Kirk Cameron’s gray hair anyway. Do former child stars always let themselves go like that? And how in the world did they afford to hire big movie stars like Diane Lane and James Franco on their limited budget?

    Maurice: Time out, brother. You’re not talking about Fireproof. Diane Lane and James Franco are in a movie called Nights in Rodanthe. That was Richard Gere you saw, not Kirk Cameron.

    Emmett: Are you serious?

    Maurice: Didn’t you follow me into Theater 15?

    Emmett: I thought we were in Theater 16!

    Maurice: What? No, 15.

    Emmett: Well, it wasn’t my fault. I stopped to get popcorn and then I got lost. It was exactly like the time I got lost in that megachurch we visited last year… except the popcorn was better.

    Maurice: So then you didn’t even see Fireproof ?

    Emmett: I guess not.

    Maurice: You mean you couldn’t figure out you were watching the wrong movie when Richard Gere and Diane Lane jumped into bed together?

    Emmett: Hey, you don’t throw the baby out with the bath water, Maurice. I was trying to be a sophisticated Christian moviegoer and ignore the fornication in order to focus on an underlying message of redemption and the symbolism in the father-son-girlfriend triune relationship that helps us better understand the Christian journey of faith and forgiveness. Ouch, I think I pulled a muscle trying to say that with a straight face.

    Maurice: Well, next time we go to the theater I’m holding your hand and taking you to your seat so you don‘t wander off.

    Emmett: Wow, just like in church.

    Maurice: Uh-oh…

    Emmett: What?

    Maurice: I just realized that the guy who sat next to me in the theater wasn’t you.

    Emmett: So?

    Maurice: Remember how much I hate it when you drink too much pop and have to leave in the middle of the movie? Well, during the coming attractions I asked the guy next to me if he needed to go to the restroom before the movie started.

    Emmett: Why would you do that?

    Maurice: I thought it was you! No wonder he changed seats.

    Emmett: Ohhh… that explains why security was waiting to escort you out when we met by the exit afterwards. Sorry about that.

    Maurice: *Sigh* That’s okay. I’m sure one of these days I can put the restraining order behind me.

    Emmett: Sure you can. Besides, we can always watch movies at home. In fact, we can rent Fireproof when it comes out on DVD. I hear it’s a good movie, even though Kirk Cameron looks really old with that gray hair.

    Maurice: Yeah, Hollywood will do that to a guy.

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