The Sacred Sandwich
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  • January14th

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    Fuller Theological Seminary To Offer Course In Tap Dancing

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    Fuller Theological Seminary announced today that a course in tap dancing will be added to the curriculum of their Master of Divinity program this spring. Don Ohlson, a spokesperson for Fuller, explained the reason behind the new addition: “We believe that in this postmodern climate of tolerance and political civility it is important to train our future pastors to be able to dance around biblical issues when necessary.”

    According to Ohlson, Fuller officials saw a need for the tap dance course after one of their most prominent alumni, Pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback Community Church, lost some of his rhythm over the gay marriage issue in California. “Over the years, Rick has displayed some instinctive dance moves that have made his Christian message light and breezy,” said Ohlson, “but when he openly opposed gay marriage his footwork got a little too heavy and he had to do some serious back-shuffles to stay on Melissa Etheridge’s good side. Experts in the dance field tell us that if Rick had been given proper training and choreography during his seminary education, he could have easily avoided this whole controversy by using jazz hands, smiling real big, and doing a ‘shuffle-hop-tap-spring-tap-step-step’ to the left, and then to the right. He would have been off stage before anyone knew what hit them.”

    Ohlson was quick to point out that Warren, despite his recent stumbles, still managed to make some impressive ballroom moves that swept Barack Obama off his feet and led to his invitation to offer the opening prayer at the Presidential Inauguration. “Even without formal dance training, Rick’s Fuller education undoubtedly provided him with the basic tools to become the theological hoofer that he is today,” said Ohlson. “By offering this new class on tap dance, we believe the next ‘Rick Warren’ that Fuller produces will be even more prepared to make the Gospel as entertaining and non-threatening as possible.”

    The new Fuller class, Pastoral Tap Dance, will be held off-campus at Little Miss Starlet Dance Academy and Tanning Salon, with instruction by former Rockette, Tammi Lynn Marple. Marple, who has taught the academy’s “Beginning Tap for Four Year Olds and Up” class for twenty years, suggests that the Fuller seminary students who enroll should bring a juice box for break time and have their mommies or daddies drop them off five minutes early so they have time to warm up.

  • January13th

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    “Meeky” Awards to Honor Most Humble Christians of 2009

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    Not to be outdone by the Golden Globes or the Academy Awards, the Biblical Organization Against Selfish Tendencies (BOAST) has announced their nominees for the sixth annual Christian Humility Awards. Dubbed the “Meekys,” these awards will be given to those special evangelicals who have displayed “exceptional humility in their service to God” during the last year. BOAST’s director, Webster Peabody, hopes the Meekys will redefine a growing award industry that places too much emphasis on self-importance and worldly success. “We believe that if the meek are going to inherit the earth, then hey, they ought to inherit some of these awards too.”

    Most notable among the nominees for “Most Humble Christian”: Eula Fay Hornsby of Cambridge, KS, who has served for over fifty years in her church’s nursery by caring for the congregation’s children during worship services. In commending Mrs. Hornsby’s humble efforts, Peabody said, “After a half century of handling thousands of dirty diapers, we believe Eula Fay is well qualified to pick up one of our awards.”

    Among the nominees in other categories:

    • Rick Warren, for “Most Humble Publicity Hound”
    • Miserable Worms Community Church, for “Best Humiliating Church Name”
    • Victoria Osteen, for “Most Humble Pastor’s Wife with a $100,000 Clothes Allowance”
    • The BOAST “Meeky” Awards, which nominated itself for “Most Humble Christian Awards Program”

    Sadly, none of last year’s winners were nominated for any of the awards this year. “Let’s just say that some of them got a little too big for their britches after they won,” Peabody explained.

    Meeky organizers hope this year’s award presentation gala, scheduled for February in Dubuque, IA, will be more successful than last year when most of the winners did not show up to pick up their trophies. “Apparently, they were TOO humble,” Peabody admitted. “However, we feel confident the turnout will be better this year. Not only have we lowered our standards on humility, but we’ve added an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet and an open bar.”

  • January6th

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    Airline Pilot Defends Pat Robertson’s Prophecy for 2009

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    After Pat Robertson, founder of the Christian Broadcasting Network, gave his traditional New Year’s Day prophecy concerning the coming year of 2009, many people within the Christian community scoffed at the arrogance of his attempt to speak on behalf of God. After all, Robertson’s so-called “prophecies” in past years have been rather hit-and-miss (and miss again)— not exactly the same accuracy rate as the old prophets found in the Bible.

    Yesterday, however, an airline pilot from Fort Worth, TX, came forward to bravely defend Robertson and his heaven-sent predictions for 2009. Said Robert Vious, a captain with American Airlines: “When Pat said that America was going to slide into socialism during an Obama administration and that oil would hit $300 a barrel, I went to the Lord in prayer and asked Him if this was true. And God flat-out told me, Yes!  In fact, not only are Pat’s bold predictions going to come to pass, but God also told me some other unbelievable things that will happen this year: Tiger Woods will win a golf tournament, a tornado will hit a trailer park in the Midwest, and sales of analog TVs will plummet.”

    In response to these prophecies, The Sacred Sandwich would just like to say: Thank you, Captain Bob Vious!

  • December11th

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    Budget Woes Prompt Massive Wise Men Layoffs At Church Nativities

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    Usually the Christmas season is a very busy time for wise man impersonator and nativity performer, Al Benson. But these days Benson spends most of his days in the unemployment office or panhandling on the street corner with his pet camel, Mildred. Why? Blame George Bush and improved biblical scrutiny for his misfortune.

    Due to the current recession, churches around the country have been forced to scale back their Christmas pageants and living nativities, putting thousands of wise men out of work. “Many churches this year are in a budget crunch and had to make some tough choices about which aspect of the Christmas story was the most expendable,” explained religious analyst Chet Matterhorn. “Oxen were high on the list, but when all was said and done, the three wise men were the odd men out… no pun intended.”

    According to Bill Underwood, nativity coordinator for First Community Church, their decision to fire Al Benson and the other two wise men wasn’t based on financial concerns alone. “This was a biblical decision, really. We were about to give pink slips to our Little Drummer Boy and Nestor the Long-Eared Donkey, but then one of our deacons asked why we were keeping the wise men around when they never visited the manger in the first place. Sure enough, when we checked our Bibles we learned that the wise men apparently didn’t visit baby Jesus until He was one or two years old and living in a house. After discovering that little detail, we decided that kicking the wise men to the curb was the only Christian thing to do.”

    Though the sudden removal of the wise men has dampened the holiday spirit of some visitors to First Community’s Living Nativity, most people are glad that the core elements of this popular Christmas tradition are still intact. “Sure I miss those guys,” admitted longtime nativity fan, Betty Willingham. “But the nativity still has the Talking Christmas Tree reciting the second chapter of Luke and the laser light show pulsating to the sounds of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. These are the memorable sights and sounds that really make the Incarnation special to me. Oh, and the baby Jesus, of course.”

    Just a few blocks away from the festive nativity, however, is the flip side of this year’s Christmas. There on a street corner, Benson and his camel, Mildred, sip cheap eggnog from a paper bag and contemplate a future with very few career options for an unemployed wise man. Forced to live on spare change that people toss into an empty frankincense box, Benson still hopes he can find steady work before the heavy snows come. “With my fancy robe and turban, I figure my job prospects are down to a genie or a spokesman for OPEC,” said Benson. “I also thought about going into politics, but there hasn’t been a wise man in that field for a long, long time.”

    Mildred, on the other hand, is hoping to land a lucrative modeling contract with Maybelline. Says Benson, “She’s got big brown eyes and amazingly long eyelashes, you know. She could become the next Cindy Crawford if she just learns to suppress her natural impulse to spit in people’s faces when irritated.”

    For now, Benson will continue to go door-to-door in neighborhoods around town hoping to score a temporary gig in a family’s outdoor manger display. Sadly, the opportunities are scare as more and more Christians become culturally relevant. “Most of the holiday yard decorations these days are giant inflatable snowmen or animated reindeer from Home Depot,” laments Benson. “Quite frankly, I can’t compete against home improvement stores and their unholy grip on suburban America. I just wish I had listened to my mom and gone to St. Nicholas University after high school instead of the Wise Men Academy. I could be living comfortably as a respectable Mall Santa and hanging out with jolly elves instead of this smelly, bi-polar camel.”

  • November25th

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    Confused Church Group Learns Spiritual Meditation from Dog

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    (A Sacred Sandwich Repost) Garry Worth, a small group leader for Pemberton Methodist Church, recently apologized to his Contemplative Spirituality class for using a large-breed dog to help them learn about centering prayer. “My bad!” exclaimed a red-faced Worth. “When I was doing background research on Contemplative Spirituality, I found out that Richard Foster recommended the meditation techniques of St. Bernard. I just assumed he meant the dog breed. I didn’t realize he was talking about the 12th century Catholic mystic from Clairvaux.”

    For the last three group meetings, Worth had borrowed a Saint Bernard named Max from a local kennel and asked his class to emulate the dog’s relaxed, contemplative demeanor as a way to get closer to God. Among the spiritual disciplines the group learned were: fetch, roll over, and play dead.

    Despite the confusion, most members of the study group felt it was the most satisfying spiritual teaching they had ever received. “Max’s droopy eyes and deep, rhythmic panting certainly centered my energy and took me to a higher spiritual plane,” acknowledged group member, Sue Sheraton. “Of course, watching him lick under his back leg wasn’t so enlightening. That was just plain gross.”

    Group leader Worth believes their short time with the lovable canine was misguided, but well-spent. “We gained some spiritual insight you can’t get from human interaction.” he maintained. “After all, ‘dog’ spelled backwards is god. I don’t think that’s a coincidence.”

    Meanwhile, Max the Saint Bernard has been invited to be a featured speaker at the next Renovare Conference on Spiritual Formation. His topic will be “Inappropriate Licking: Pathway To Your Inner Dog.”

  • November21st

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    Worm Sues Preacher for Defamation

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    An earthworm in Minnesota, represented by attorney Milton Shyster, has filed a defamation of character lawsuit against Pastor Greg Holthus of Grandview Bible Church for allegedly slandering the worm’s good name during one of his Sunday sermons. According to the complaint filed on Monday, the earthworm seeks over $1 million in damages, contending that Holthus did, “with malice aforethought, attack and defame the character of worms everywhere by associating them with the low moral standing of human beings.”

    Explained Shyster, “My client was innocently googling the word ‘worm’ to look for information on his family roots when he came across a link to an online audio sermon in which the defendant called sinners, ‘lowly worms.’ Needless to say, my client was appalled by the blatant bigotry that Mr. Holthus displayed when connecting the worm population with the sin and corruption of man.”

    Pastor Holthus was surprised by the allegation, but claims that his sermon, “Such A Worm As I,” falls well within the protection of the First Amendment. “The Bible has been very clear in viewing fallen man as no better than a worm in a certain sense, and this truth has been affirmed throughout the history of Christianity, especially in the great hymns of Isaac Watts. I fail to see how my metaphor was out of line considering that most earthworms spend their entire slimy lives wallowing in dirt and filth. Yuck!”

    “What can I say?” Shyster said in response. “His remarks just prove how hard it has been for my client to overcome the institutionalized discrimination of worms in Christian society. Despite the odds stacked against him, my client has become highly respected as an environmental activist who has done amazing work as a renewer of agro-ecosystems throughout the Midwest with his efforts to fertilize and aerate America’s topsoil. If Pastor Holthus’ slanderous remarks are allowed to remain unchallenged, however, then my client could lose the respect of the entire agricultural community and ultimately lose his family business.”

    To bolster his argument that the pastor maliciously attacked his client’s reputation, Shyster plans to provide compelling evidence to the court that Holthus is an habitual fisherman. “Mr. Holthus is part of a recreational fishing industry which contributes to the death of millions of night crawlers every year by using them as bait. As a participant in this modern-day holocaust, Mr. Holthus has shown a complete disregard for the sanctity of worm life, just so he can enjoy his sick little hobby. Does the man have no shame?”

    Shyster asks anyone with further information pertaining to this case to notify his law office at 1-800-SUE THEM. “Also, if there are any Pharisees out there who have suffered monetary setbacks due to being labeled a ‘son of the devil’ or a ‘whitewashed tomb,’ then please give me a call. I think we may have a class action lawsuit just ready to happen.”

  • November14th

    15 Comments

    Tired of Postmodern “Conversation,” Pastor Tells Congregation to Shut Up

    Posted in: Headlines

    Church officials for Jerusalem’s Bus Stop, a gathering of Christ-followers in Boise, Idaho have reported that Pastor/Head Facilitator Tucker Wynn has taken a leave of absence in the wake of what they describe as Wynn “hitting a major pothole in his faith journey” when he told several people during his sermon to “shut up and read your Bible.”

    Jacob Mason, the church’s Supervisor of Holistic Meditation, witnessed the shocking event. “Tuck was facilitating our usual sermon-dialogue time on Sunday when Karen, our director of pottery, tried to express her inner feelings on what God was saying to her. Before she could share her feelings, however, Tuck said that he had a feeling to share, too. He said he felt like she needed to shut up and focus on God’s word instead of her feelings. Needless to say, Karen’s feelings were hurt, so she told him how she felt about his feelings toward her. Then we opened up the discussion for others to express how they felt.”

    According to several eyewitnesses, Pastor Wynn then screamed, “What is WRONG with you people!” and fled the building.

    Sadly, this was not the first time Wynn had exhibited a drift toward fundamentalism and biblical certainty. Two months earlier, church leaders became concerned when Wynn became noticeably excited about ordering the new ESV Study Bible. “Things just didn’t seem right with Tuck after that,” said tattoo and piercing minister Leslie Moore. “First he started using big words like hermeneutics, exegesis, and perpiscuity. Then he started hammering us on doctrine, of all things. Before we knew it, he was blowing out our candles and turning up the dimmer switch in the sanctuary so we could read the Bible during worship. Talk about a buzz kill. We could barely see the Nooma videos with all the lights on.”

    During his leave of absence, Pastor Wynn will be under medical supervision at Intermountain Hospital on a voluntary basis. “This break will be good for me,” Wynn confided from his bed. “The doctors have made me understand that I’m powerless to make people focus on the clear teachings of Scripture instead of their feelings. Obviously I can’t compete with their feelings, so I need to take a deep breath and stay calm. But it’s hard, you know?  Talking to them is like banging my head against a wall over and over and over again. Bam! Bam! Bam! I mean, what is with these people?! Why do they do this? Why?! Tell me, why?! WHY?!!— Um, can you excuse me a minute?… Nurse! I think I need another pill!”

    While Wynn remains in padded wrist restraints, the church will continue their Sunday gatherings under the leadership of Associate Pastor Justin Hanna, who is confident of Wynn’s future return. “Everyone at Jerusalem’s Bus Stop has had a chance to share their feelings about what happened, and we’ve decided that our diverse faith community is tolerant enough to include rabid fundamentalists like Tuck who are hung up on the centrality of the Bible,” Hanna explained. “Of course, if he keeps trying to shove scripture down our throats all the time, we might have to share our feelings with him again.”

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