Revealing further evidence that American churches are sinking deeper into apostasy, a new nationwide survey by The Barna Group discovered that almost 23% of U.S. churches are now using Papyrus typeface in their logos and church bulletins.
According to Barna’s polling data acquired by a random sampling of churches around the country: 57% of American churches continue to use the traditional Times Roman typeface, while 23% have succumbed to Papyrus, 15% have abandoned written language altogether and only communicate with YouTube videos, and the remaining 5% use Old English font because “that’s what King James used.”
“I think it’s safe to say that the Apocalypse is very, very near,” said Bob Vincent, spokesman for The Barna Group. “We thought things were bad when our past research showed that a large number of professing Christians didn’t believe in Jesus, but this insidious Papyrus lettering fad is clearly a sign of the end times.”
Created in 1982 by Chris Costello, Papyrus is a typeface that “merges traditional roman letterform with the look of hand-crafted antique calligraphy” to produce an universally-abhorred font that lazy, amateur logo designers use almost daily to torture the public. It is commonly overused by restaurants, health and lifestyle companies, beauty spas, and New Age organizations.
Earlier this summer, Living Word Community Church found itself on the verge of a nasty church split because of the dreaded typeface. When LWCC leadership unveiled the church’s new logo on the jumbo-tron during a 9:30 worship/celebration service in August, audible gasps of horror were heard throughout the congregation as people immediately recognized the Papyrus font. Thankfully, Sunday school teacher Shelley Ladou was able to shield the children’s eyes and quickly return them to the classroom before they were exposed to the offensive lettering.
“Papyrus font?” lamented Betty Teagarden, a church member of LWCC for over ten years. “It took them three months and one thousand dollars to come up with a logo using Papyrus? Good grief, they might as well use Comic Sans MS and send us all straight to hell.”
Though most in the congregation learned to live with the new logo, Betty Teagarden and eleven other members eventually left Living Word to find a new church fellowship that “still believes in Helvetica.”
Surprisingly, The Barna Group holds out hope that there is still time for an eventual backlash to squelch the popularity of Papyrus before it’s too late. “Our latest research seems to indicate that congregations get bored easily and will soon be looking for the next popular typeface to come along that they can embrace,” explained Vincent. “In fact, we’ve seen evidence that Hobo may be making a huge comeback. May God helps us all.”
Hot on the heels of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America’s decision to allow the appointment of non-celibate gays to the clergy, another prominent Christian denomination has decided this week to allow practicing drunkards in the pulpit.
Pastor Rick Warren, well-known for creating memorable acrostics to convey his groundbreaking church initiatives like PEACE, SHAPE and CHURCH, has unveiled his latest teaching on Christian humility called the RICK Plan. Says Warren, “As Christians who have received greater spiritual insight than people of other religions, we can easily fall into the trap of acting superior. But Jesus said we need to humbly serve others without concern for our preeminence in the world, and that’s what my new RICK Plan is all about.”
In an attempt to combat a severe drop in attendance every time their popular preacher goes on vacation, Marina Bay Community Church made the shocking announcement that they have cloned their longtime pastor, Rev. Spencer Klagg. To make this possible, Marina Bay enlisted the help of RevClone, a new Christian cloning facility in Southern California dedicated to multiplying the current pool of dynamic preaching celebrities.
The last thing Gladys Pittman remembers is getting up from the couch after watching Oprah, tripping on her yoga meditation rug, and falling to the floor. After that, everything is a blur. But Gladys’ husband Frank witnessed the whole thing. “As soon as her head hit the floor, she was knocked christ-unconscious,” he explained.
Bible scholar and liberal theologian Malcolm Lancaster reported this week that new archeological findings have revealed that Demas, described in scripture as a worldly apostate, wasn’t such a bad guy after all. “We’ve felt all along that Demas got a bum rap from the Apostle Paul, and the latest excavation has proven our case,” says Lancaster, a member of the Jesus Seminar.
Growing bored with the outdated Purpose-Driven programs at their present church, the Henman family of Cragston, IL, recently hired Lucy Ditmer, a personal shopper, to find them a new church home to meet their spiritual needs for 2009. “Between my boy’s hockey games and my girl’s dance classes, I really don’t have the time to go church shopping,” said Helen Henman. “It’s a great relief to know that Lucy can take care of all that. The last thing Phil and I want to do right now is spend every Sunday morning going to strange churches just to see if they have cushioned seats and a rockin’ praise band.”
