GRAIN VALLEY, MO — For over two weeks now, hundreds of people have flocked to a small home in the quiet suburb of Grain Valley to see a hazy image of the Virgin Mary that recently appeared inside an old picture on the wall. For the throng of faithful visitors that clutch their prayer beads and kneel before the apparition, this is a miracle from God that has brought them newfound hope and comforting assurance that she watches over them. For one worshipper, the image has even healed him of male pattern baldness.
Homeowner Agnes Devota Donnelly discovered the likeness of the Holy Mother after a roof leak left water stains on a framed portrait of a bearded, long-haired man that hung in her sewing room. “When I saw the Blessed Virgin within the hair of that portrait, it was like having a big-time celebrity suddenly appear in my home,” explained Donnelly. “Sorta like Angelina Jolie, only much more Catholic.”
Though the archdiocese had no official comment, Father Patrick Kilpatrick of the local parish was hopeful that the Marian apparition would bring a renewed devotion to Christ in the community. “I know some people think that this adoration of Mary usurps the preeminence of Jesus, but I just don’t see it. I mean, am I missing something here?”
Greenwood Village, CO — Orange Glo International, makers of OxiClean, have announced their intention to hire Saddleback pastor and “Purpose Driven” author Rick Warren as the new commercial pitchman for their well-known laundry stain remover. Company representative Val Lewton explained that it has been a long, difficult process for them to find a suitable replacement for their former spokesman, the legendary Billy Mays who died last year of heart failure, but they believe Warren will more than fill Mays’ formidable beard.
Revealing further evidence that American churches are sinking deeper into apostasy, a new nationwide survey by The Barna Group discovered that almost 23% of U.S. churches are now using Papyrus typeface in their logos and church bulletins.
“Papyrus font?” lamented Betty Teagarden, a church member of LWCC for over ten years. “It took them three months and one thousand dollars to come up with a logo using Papyrus? Good grief, they might as well use Comic Sans MS and send us all straight to hell.”
Hot on the heels of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America’s decision to allow the appointment of non-celibate gays to the clergy, another prominent Christian denomination has decided this week to allow practicing drunkards in the pulpit.
Pastor Rick Warren, well-known for creating memorable acrostics to convey his groundbreaking church initiatives like PEACE, SHAPE and CHURCH, has unveiled his latest teaching on Christian humility called the RICK Plan. Says Warren, “As Christians who have received greater spiritual insight than people of other religions, we can easily fall into the trap of acting superior. But Jesus said we need to humbly serve others without concern for our preeminence in the world, and that’s what my new RICK Plan is all about.”
In an attempt to combat a severe drop in attendance every time their popular preacher goes on vacation, Marina Bay Community Church made the shocking announcement that they have cloned their longtime pastor, Rev. Spencer Klagg. To make this possible, Marina Bay enlisted the help of RevClone, a new Christian cloning facility in Southern California dedicated to multiplying the current pool of dynamic preaching celebrities.
The last thing Gladys Pittman remembers is getting up from the couch after watching Oprah, tripping on her yoga meditation rug, and falling to the floor. After that, everything is a blur. But Gladys’ husband Frank witnessed the whole thing. “As soon as her head hit the floor, she was knocked christ-unconscious,” he explained.
