Usually the Christmas season is a very busy time for Al Benson, who makes his living as a wise man impersonator and nativity performer. But these days Benson spends his time in the unemployment office or panhandling on the street corner with his pet camel, Mildred. Why? Blame the economy and improved biblical scrutiny for his misfortune.
Due to the lingering recession, churches around the country have been forced to scale back their Christmas pageants and living nativities, putting thousands of wise men out of work. “Many churches this year are in a budget crunch and had to make some tough choices about which aspect of the Christmas story was the most expendable,” explained religious analyst Chet Matterhorn. “Oxen were high on the list, but when all was said and done, the three wise men were the odd men out… no pun intended.”
According to Bill Underwood, nativity coordinator for First Community Church, their decision to fire Al Benson and the other two wise men wasn’t based on financial concerns alone. “This was a biblical decision, really. We were about to give pink slips to our Little Drummer Boy and Nestor the Long-Eared Donkey, but then one of our deacons asked why we were keeping the wise men around when they never visited the manger in the first place. Sure enough, when we checked our Bibles we learned that the wise men apparently didn’t visit baby Jesus until He was one or two years old and living in a house. After discovering that little detail, we decided that kicking the wise men to the curb was the only Christian thing to do.”
Greenwood Village, CO — Orange Glo International, makers of OxiClean, have announced their intention to hire Saddleback pastor and “Purpose Driven” author Rick Warren as the new commercial pitchman for their well-known laundry stain remover. Company representative Val Lewton explained that it has been a long, difficult process for them to find a suitable replacement for their former spokesman, the legendary Billy Mays who died last year of heart failure, but they believe Warren will more than fill Mays’ formidable beard.
Revealing further evidence that American churches are sinking deeper into apostasy, a new nationwide survey by The Barna Group discovered that almost 23% of U.S. churches are now using Papyrus typeface in their logos and church bulletins.
“Papyrus font?” lamented Betty Teagarden, a church member of LWCC for over ten years. “It took them three months and one thousand dollars to come up with a logo using Papyrus? Good grief, they might as well use Comic Sans MS and send us all straight to hell.”
Hot on the heels of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America’s decision to allow the appointment of non-celibate gays to the clergy, another prominent Christian denomination has decided this week to allow practicing drunkards in the pulpit.
Pastor Rick Warren, well-known for creating memorable acrostics to convey his groundbreaking church initiatives like PEACE, SHAPE and CHURCH, has unveiled his latest teaching on Christian humility called the RICK Plan. Says Warren, “As Christians who have received greater spiritual insight than people of other religions, we can easily fall into the trap of acting superior. But Jesus said we need to humbly serve others without concern for our preeminence in the world, and that’s what my new RICK Plan is all about.”
