The Sacred Sandwich
  • Bohemian Baptist

  • December9th

    97 Comments

    Things I Don’t Want To Hear Behind Me in Church

    Posted in: Bohemian Baptist

    Churchgoers are notorious for not wanting to sit in the front row during worship service— at least in most of the churches I’ve attended in the past. I used to think it was because the attendees wanted a certain level of anonymity or perhaps the freedom to easily slip out of the room if they felt the need. But lately I’ve decided that some folks are sitting in the back row because they don’t want to hear anyone sitting behind them.

    Have you ever been in the middle of a church service, trying to focus on singing a hymn or contemplating the sermon, when two people sitting behind you suddenly felt compelled to have a short, but apparently unavoidable discussion about the amazing absorption of the Sham Wow? Oh sure, they try to whisper politely, but they might as well use a bullhorn. Against the backdrop of dedicated corporate worship, such muted chatter can often sound like nails on a chalkboard.

    After pondering this issue, I came up with a list of remarks that I really, really don’t want to hear behind me during church service. Here are just a few:

    • “Dude, I’m gonna hafta call you back. We’re about to pray or something.”
    • “Boo-oooo!”
    • “The pastor looks really cute today.”
    • “Mommy, my tummy doesn’t feel good. I think I’m gonna throw uh—erpleeeeeck!” (Accompanied by a splashing sound against my seat.)
    • “Hey there, ladies… nice bibles. You come here often?”
    • “Zzzzzzzzzz…”
    • “Sweet! I just scored the last Krispy Kreme at the snack table.”
    • “He’s good, but he’s no Joyce Meyer.”
    • “Dang it, I grabbed my Bhagavad-Gita by mistake. The Message Bible is still in the Prius next to my yoga mat.”
    • “You think they’ll mind if I use the offering basket to break a five?”
    • “Seven-day sex challenge? Now you’re talking, pastor!”
    • “I can’t see the pulpit. The guy in front of me has a melon that could show up on Google Earth.”

    Okay, that last one was a little too close to home for me, but I’m sure the reader can come up with worse possibilities. The point I’m trying to make is that perhaps we have become a bit too casual during our services, and our churches have become more like coffeehouses and movie theaters instead of places of corporate worship.

    Believe me, I’ve seen it happen before. One Sunday morning, back in the summer of 2001, my wife and I had entered into worship in a church where we formerly held membership. We had begun a sincere, heartfelt worship of God, singing praise to Him: fixing our heart and mind on our Lord and Savior, when instantly that focus was broken. The lights dimmed, a large screen came down from the ceiling, and a movie clip from Apollo 13 was projected above the pulpit as a dramatic lead-in to the sermon. Suddenly, we were no longer in a worship service, but in a theater watching the big screen. That’s when we heard a woman behind us whisper with delight, “I love this movie… Isn’t Tom Hanks great?”

    Wow. All she was missing was the hot buttered popcorn.

    So let’s not forget the focus and purpose of these worship gatherings, folks. I suggest you read Hebrews 12 which ends with the following summation: “Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.”

    And the people sitting behind us said… “Amen!’

  • December3rd

    3 Comments

    Shocking Study: Only 93% of Teens Find Themselves To Be Totally Awesome!

    Posted in: Bohemian Baptist

    American parents and educators were stunned to find out this week that only a measly 93% of U.S. high school students in a recent Josephson Institute survey were “satisfied with their personal ethics and character.” This leaves a whopping 7% who apparently have fallen though the cracks of our educational system and become inexplicably burdened by their moral shortcomings.

    If 7% of our kids are still experiencing bouts of low self-esteem, then where did we go wrong, America?

    Over the past several years, we have bombarded our children with enough indulgent parenting and ego-boosting school programs to swell the head of the most respectable self-flagellating hermit monk. With this amount of positive reinforcement, even perpetually-defeated Eeyore would get cocky and start talking smack to Christopher Robin in the Hundred Acre Wood.

    On top of that, we have created a pop culture that has done its best to spare our young generation any hurt feelings by eliminating all possible references to negativity in the English language. That’s why in the last several years the words “bad,” “sick,” and “wicked” have become adjectives to describe something positive. Just try telling a teen that he’s wearing a bad pair of shoes or that his new tongue piercing is sick, and he will certainly thank you for the compliment. Never mind the fact that giving these words an opposite meaning can cause a person over 40 to think he’s suffering from a stroke-related injury to the language center of his brain. All that really matters is that we have helped our children feel better about themselves by not bumming them out with judgmental terms.

    All in all, I’d say we’ve set up a pretty good child-rearing system over the past three decades that produces the kind of kid who is oblivious to his imperfections. In fact, according to research in the November 2008 issue of Psychological Science, today’s American high school students have a very lofty (and unrealistic) opinion of themselves in comparison to their more down-to-earth counterparts who were surveyed back in 1975. Based on this study and others, you would have to believe that we have successfully produced a generation of high-schoolers completely in love with themselves and their ability to rock out “Barracuda” on Guitar Hero III.

    So how in the world do we still have 7% of our teenagers immune to all the gratuitous adoration lavished upon them? It makes a person scratch his head and wonder how these pesky self-loathers could still exist. Oh sure, you can point to the Josephson Institute study and see that a disturbing percentage of today’s teens admit to stealing from stores (30%), lying to save money (42%), and cheating on schoolwork (64%). But this is merely an unfortunate by-product of telling these kids to be the best that they can be. Who knew they wanted to be the best liars, cheats, and thieves they can be? 

    Undoubtedly, this alarming revelation of guilty conduct among teens explains why those poor 7% couldn’t bring themselves to give a big “thumbs up” to their ethical standing. I certainly understand their apprehension. But the last thing we need is for the other 93% to fall into the same trap as the minority and start feeling bad about themselves just because they recognize their tendency toward corrupt behavior. What good would it do if parents and teachers allowed these kids to beat themselves up over their predisposition to sin?

    Over two thousand years ago, there was a very famous teacher from Nazareth who felt it was wise to challenge a confident young man to acknowledge his own lack of goodness. And what was the outcome in that confrontation? It only made the young man feel sad. Is that what we want? A bunch of miserable people feeling sorry for themselves? We already have too many post-election Republicans moping around as it is.

    So let’s think about this. If we force these kids to look hard at themselves in a healthy way, then what will happen? It’s possible they will finally realize that their self-worth can never be established on the basis of their own perceived goodness— a goodness which has already been discounted by their unethical actions. Next, they might start looking outside of themselves for a genuine goodness on which they can depend. Good grief, they might even hear the gospel of God’s grace, deny their vain reliance on self, and find their true worth in Jesus Christ.

    Whoa. Come to think of it, that sounds like pretty heady stuff. Maybe, just maybe, we should start telling our kids about this wicked alternative to self-esteem called “faith in Christ.”

    By the way, for those of you over 40: a “wicked” alternative would be considered a good thing.

  • November17th

    10 Comments

    Rejected TV Show Ideas for Christians

    Posted in: Bohemian Baptist

    Let’s face it. When walking through the grazing land of television programming to search for decent entertainment, you gotta tiptoe around a whole lot of cowpies. And if the TV shows themselves don’t assault you with provocative images and unbiblical messages, then the commercials will. I mean, do we really need Victoria to show us all her secrets? That’s why many Christians today have opted to turn exclusively to Christian networks or just turn off their TVs.

    Recently, however, the major television networks have been trying to woo back the substantial Christian market with more faith-friendly content. Unfortunately, because of a complete lack of originality and a rampant misunderstanding of their target audience, not many of the networks’ ideas for Christian programming have made it to the small screen as of yet.

    After a thorough investigation by your wayfaring correspondent, I have uncovered a short list of some of the TV pilots for the Christian market that were recently rejected by ABC, CBS, NBC, and FOX. Here are the top 15 titles in no particular order that did not make it onto the networks’ Fall lineups this year:

    The Amazing Grace

    CSI: Willow Creek

    Extreme Makeover: Church Edition

    SpongeBob SquareJones

    Found

    Desperate Deacon’s Wives

    How I Met Your Mother Superior

    Home School Musical

    America’s Funniest Nooma Videos

    The O’Reilly Rector

    Law & Order: Covenantal Intent

    Potluck Nightmares with Gordon Ramsey

    Arminian Idol

    Warren & Osteen’s Laugh-In

    Dancing with the Baptists

    Let’s just hope that next year the television industry can gain the invaluable assistance of prominent Hollywood Christians to help them create a new frontier in Christian programming before TBN corners the whole flippin’ market.

  • October6th

    13 Comments

    Buying the Wal-Mart Jesus

    Posted in: Bohemian Baptist

    Publisher’s Note: This repost of a Bohemian Baptist commentary from June 2005 seems appropriate considering the fallout from our country’s current financial crisis. The following isn’t an indictment on large churches (or even Wal-Mart), but an analysis of the rampant consumerism that is poisoning many sections of American Christianity today. —Angus

    The new Wal-Mart Supercenter just opened up in my town, and man, what a sight! It’s a mammoth structure of utilitarian architecture that houses everything from a grocery to a garden center, along with every dry good you can imagine from fashion wear to office supplies. And people just flock there because it’s one-stop shopping, famous low prices, and a quick “get in and get out” affair. It is an amazing achievement in the history of American consumerism.

    Oh, and don’t forget about the official Smiley Face mascot greeting you on every sign. It just makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside as you spend your money to save money.

    The only problem is that the former Wal-Mart building in town is now vacant since the retail giant moved its local operation to the new Supercenter facility. Hard to believe that twenty years ago this smaller Wal-Mart store was the shining Camelot on the hill for local shoppers. Now it’s just a castle ruin, an empty shell of its former glory as the company moves on to bigger and better things. Alas, a sign of the times, I’m afraid.

    Prior to the beginning of this Sam Walton invasion, our town had a few Mom-and-Pop retail stores downtown, but they’re gone now, too. The first Wal-Mart that landed here soon priced those little shops right out of the market and made it too easy for the faithful customers of our local enterprises to be slowly seduced by the discount convenience of the new store in town. Hometown loyalty and one-on-one service be damned! Pretty soon, those slow-paced, family-run stores with creaky wood floors and clanging brass cash registers had to close their doors for good. Nobody valued their unassuming brand of commerce anymore.

    So why do I bring all this up? Because it seems to me that many Christians today have been infected with the same corrupting consumerism that has given rise to the Wal-Mart Supercenter. Their lives are no longer content with the eloquent simplicity of Jesus Christ and His Word, but now clamor for a wide variety of new and improved Christianized products to over-indulge their so-called faith. The congregations have moved out of the austere model of the small-town church, where unadorned worship to God rang forth, and have instead built for themselves Christian Supercenters in which to sell their worldly goods and services in the name of Christ.

    You see striking evidence of this Wal-Mart mentality in postmodern Christianity every time you step into your local Christian bookstore and have to walk past shelf after shelf of shiny religious trinkets and trite bestsellers before you get to that little section of plain black Bibles in the far back corner. You see it every time you watch millions of professed Christians assemble in their multi-million dollar sanctuaries to hear feel-good sermons by Smiley Face mascots who offer heaven and happiness at a discount price.

    Of course, it didn’t use to be like this. There was a time, believe it or not, when we survived just fine without the trappings of modern consumerism in our life. Long before the first Wal-Mart was built in my mostly-rural area, the presence of any kind of retail store was a rarity. All people really had back then was the Sears catalog. It sat there, prized like the family Bible, on the kitchen counter. Every member of the family had gone through that tome over and over again, memorizing the products that they dreamed of having one day. Yet they had no money for such luxuries and if they did, it was only due to careful hoarding of every stray penny they could scrape up. Sometimes they had to wait three years before saving enough money to buy that fancy hand-cranked clothes wringer so Mom didn’t have to wear out her arms twisting the clothes dry, unaided by modern technology.

    Of course, when times got really bad, even the Sears catalog brought no comfort, except to supply a need for toilet paper in the outhouse.

    Back then, we had a Great Depression caused by the blind self-indulgence of the Jazz age; and rural people in this area (through no fault of their own) were especially hit hard by it. These poor country folks didn’t have convenience stores, they only had each other. Families made just about everything they owned, and if they couldn’t make it, they had a good neighbor who could. It was a time when farming was so bad that it was more profitable to use their corn crop to burn in their stove for heat than to sell it for a lousy few cents per bushel. So the local families knitted themselves together and looked out for one another. It was a hard time, sometimes a desperate time. But with lots of faith, love, and patience, they got through it together as a community. There was no such thing as fast food outlets, shopping malls, or Wal-Mart Supercenters to bring swift temporal relief to their plight. It was a bare-boned existence that divided the wheat from the chaff, and forced humble folks to focus on the simple things in life that really mattered and to rejoice in them.

    So you see, there was a time when Christians in this country were content with being lowly, meek, and poor in spirit. They served humbly in smaller congregations, read their Bibles faithfully, and prayerfully focused on the glory of Christ alone as they witnessed and brought aid to others. Over time, however, we became more prosperous and self-satisfied, and just like the Jazz Age, we began to borrow on a spiritual capital that we no longer possessed in order to gratify our ever-increasing desire for the things of this world. Soon, many churches became bastions of consumerism and began emulating themselves after the business world, until they finally transformed themselves into a kind of Wal-Mart Christianity.

    The problem is, this over-indulgence in the churches will one day takes its toll and collapse like the stock market in 1929 because it is built on a foundation other than Christ alone. And when that inevitable day arrives in which we are stripped of our fleshy provisions and thrust into a great spiritual Depression, how will this rabid Christian consumerism provide for our needs and how much of it will quickly be engulfed by the fires of God’s testing?

    In the end, this Wal-Mart Christianity is only hay and stubble, my friends.

    The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God stands forever. —Isaiah 40:8

  • September16th

    7 Comments

    Megachurches Fight FCC for “Sound” Doctrine

    Posted in: Bohemian Baptist

    Correspondence from the Bohemian Baptist, September 2008:

    A tragedy of biblical proportion is poised to strike our land and silence the very voice of Christianity in America. According to Religion News Service, the FCC is in the process of taking the unused segments of TV airwaves and licensing them to major corporations like Motorola and Google. These corporations will then use these “white space” frequencies for their broadband Internet services. The problem is, these frequencies are the very same ones which are currently being used by wireless microphone systems in thousands of churches across the country. If the FCC grants licensing to these corporations and doesn’t allow for the co-existence of wireless microphones in churches, then many of the hip, relevant worship leaders around the country might have to go without a microphone and be forced to do the unthinkable: Speak. Louder.

    Frightened by this nightmarish scenario, many megachurches are actually petitioning the government to not sell any more of the white space frequencies unless they can share it.

    What’s the big concern? Well, for starters, if churches had to quit using microphones it would take the “dramatic whisper” right out of a preacher’s repertoire of oratorical techniques. No longer would he or she be able to emphasize titillating words with discreet tones during their “God Wants You to Have Great Sex in Marriage” sermon series. Thunderous guitar riffs during praise time would also have to be dialed back so the unamplified lyrics to “Jesus, Take the Wheel” could be heard with mind-numbing clarity. And just imagine the sudden lack of biblical edification if the back rows of the congregation couldn’t hear the punch line to the pastor’s opening joke. Parishioners might actually have to take the Bluetooth out of their ears to hear better.

    The only other option for these churches would be to go back to using antiquated wired microphones like Bob Barker used back in 1975 to spay and neuter the pet population on The Price is Right. But what a huge setback that would be for a church’s cutting-edge worship service. How could a pastor enter the pulpit while riding a Harley if one of his hands had to hold a corded microphone that could get tangled in the tires? How uncool is that, especially during the sanctity of the church’s Hog Week festivities.

    Even if a church defies the government restrictions on white space frequencies and continues to use their wireless mikes, who’s to say that a nearby internet signal won’t cut into their audio during the sermon? If little Billy across the street is playing “Greyskull: Lord of Medieval Mayhem” online, will the congregation be able to tell the difference if the pastor’s voice suddenly changes to a menacing baritone and he seemingly boasts of his intention to take his wizard staff and smite the rebel gnome village by the power of Baldor? I bet the Bereans in attendance would wish they had a Bible nearby to reference that unknown scripture verse:

    It’s not on the Powerpoint, Bob, but I’m thinking Old Testament. They did a lot of smiting back then.

    Five bucks says it’s Revelation, Chuck. Pretty sure Hal Lindsey talked about one of the horseman of the Apocalypse having a wizard staff.

    Thankfully, jumbo LED screens in the worship center will be able to compensate for the lack of audio prowess by providing bright objects and pretty colors. But is it really enough to bring personal growth, family unity and financial stability to today’s Christian? I think not.

    I urge you, therefore, to write your congressman and ask him to stop the FCC from taking away the precious airwaves that our churches need in order to be vibrant and growing. This isn’t the 19th century where preachers were forced to preach the Gospel with the archaic tools of a strong voice and the power of the Holy Spirit. This is America, for crying out loud.

    Of course, we can’t all be Joel Osteen with a $50,000 wireless mike system in a 400,000 square-foot sports arena. But just think how successful poor Charles Spurgeon might have been with better teeth, a gussied-up wife/co-pastor, and a Professional PG185 Condenser Lavalier Wireless Microphone, Bodypack Transmitter, and Dual Channel Diversity Receiver System blasting his positive thinking to the uttermost rafters of the Metropolitan Tabernacle in glorious high-definition sound.

    By the power of Baldor, it makes my ears bleed just thinking about it.

  • September9th

    11 Comments

    Taking Our Humor Very Seriously

    Posted in: Bohemian Baptist

    Reposted from February 2005:

    In the past month, The Sacred Sandwich has been challenged by some critics to defend the use of humor as a viable tool for the encouragement and discernment of the saints. Indeed, these criticisms have not been taken lightly by our staff, nor is it a concern that has not been raised by my very own conscience. I, at times, have struggled with this very issue and am quite aware of the fact that this site walks a fine line, which can easily tumble us into error or folly. Let it be known that The Sacred Sandwich is constantly in the process of “fine-tuning” itself in order to stay within an acceptable boundary of theological debate. If it turns out that this cannot be done, then the League of Tyndale will be compelled to abandon this venture. We don’t have a problem with that, as we endeavor to be found in God’s will.

    In response to the critics, however, I would challenge them to judge The Sacred Sandwich as similar to a local fellowship of believers, at least in a general symbolic sense. In a local Christian gathering we come together to interact in various levels of seriousness and good humor. We are very, very sober and reverent in our worship, prayer, and Bible study; but at other times, we are not afraid to be found in joy and laughter as we interact with each other. This excludes, of course, gossip, coarse language, mean-spiritedness, etc., but we see no harm in being lighthearted about our common human experience and idiosyncrasies within the bounds of our Christian love and friendship. (Certainly, men such as Charles Spurgeon were known for this kind of playfulness in the midst of their ministry.)

    In acknowledging that type of full-spectrum Christian fellowship, The Sacred Sandwich strives to provide a similar environment in which fellow believers can interact on all these various levels. As such, we have tried to be very sober and forceful in our defense of particular issues, namely sola Scriptura and other Reformed tenets, while at the same time providing some examples of parody in order to view these issues from another angle. We have tried to avoid “making fun of people”, and instead focus on theological issues by using parody as a way to disseminate and criticize current teachings which we feel are undermining today’s evangelicalism.

    Aye, but there’s the rub! Can we use “humor” effectively to tackle these biblical points and expose current postmodern error? Some would say no, which is a very valid viewpoint coming from anyone who worries about the possible negative implications of such unorthodox tactics. Others, however, would admit that there have been times when humor has communicated an idea better than any other form of human interaction. Some, for example, suggest that Paul was using a type of mocking humor to make the point that if the Judaizers in Galatia wanted to make circumcision a requirement in the church they might as well do the job right and just castrate themselves (Gal. 5:12). It could even be argued, I suppose, that Jesus used a similar tactic when he used absurdity to hammer home some of His hard truths. Surely, “straining out a gnat, and swallowing a camel” is an exaggeration that merits deep and serious consideration despite Christ’s humorous imagery. In a similar way, The Sacred Sandwich is exaggerating issues to satirical extremes in order to obtain a similar effect of insight. Whether or not we have succeeded in this attempt is another issue.

    However, don’t misunderstand our humorous leanings: the Fellows do not like jokes for the sake of comic relief in the midst of our worship and reverence of God. We despise the current mentality that has preachers starting their sermons with a joke just to win over the congregation. Such frivolous comedy is more amusing than thought-provoking, and certainly has no place in the pulpit.

    On the other hand, I find it hard to believe that humor has no place whatsoever in our Christian lives. Perhaps I see positives in humor because I seem to possess a strong sense of humor (some would disagree), and maybe I am wrongly trying to validate it by blending it with my faith. I have these doubts frequently, along with how other aspects of my life (like work and recreation) should coincide with my faith. Am I alone in this? I doubt it. Many Christians throughout the ages have struggled with how their particular occupations, talents and personalities can be used in the Body of Christ. Where do we draw that dividing line between our temporal and spiritual lives, or should we at all?

    Here, then, is the bottom line of my attempted “defense” of The Sacred Sandwich. It is simply a project directed mostly at the Christian community, that strives to effectively proclaim sola Scriptura and other biblical tenets by using both parody and biblical teaching from the Reformed perspective. In the majority of pages on this site, we have tried to provide 100% serious, bible-based teachings on issues of importance to contemporary Christians who are being influence by postmodern thought. Have we used humor alongside this main objective at times? Yes, but the fact is that less than half of our overall content is based on parody or humor. Outside of the front page, silly ads, and picture captions, we have presented many biblical teachings in the Food for Thought section, and also have included several dead-serious articles written by the League of Tyndale. It is our intention to expand that aspect of the site even further in the future.

    The lighthearted framework of the site is a creative experiment that was born out of a serious desire to see godly men (and women) unite under the dictates of God’s Word. We long for a return to fellowships like the “League of Tyndale” who truly love the Lord and rely on that simple, but profound, faith of days gone by. Perhaps this is sentimental nostalgia, but today, too often, we feel Christians have been inundated by pluralistic, postmodern philosophies that undermine the authority of Scripture and the sovereignty of God. The League of Tyndale, therefore, is a symbol of that longed-for fellowship that may be lacking today, and The Sacred Sandwich serves to convey those old-fashioned biblical sentiments. We use humor, yes, but I pray that our site NEVER makes light of Jesus Christ, Scripture or any other serious doctrinal matter in the course of this creative process!

    I readily admit that nonbelievers and those outside the Reformed tradition may misunderstand or misuse the humorous content of my site. (However, in defense, even our serious material has been attacked and misused by these opposing parties.) We also can admit that we may have sometimes veered off course from our original intent of promoting biblical truth and insight. It is for these reasons that we are constantly evaluating the site, and seeing where we may be stumbling into empty rhetoric or foolishness. We have already had to edit ourselves on certain occasions where the humor was done more out of pride and mean-spiritedness, than enlightenment. It could be argued that some of the content now available has also crossed that line. If so, then we hope that we can modify these things in the future and make this project a more noble, God-honoring endeavor.

    We take very seriously the humor that is presented on this site, and as such, every criticism of our content in The Sacred Sandwich always brings us great introspection and sincere humility. It is our hope, therefore, that critics, whether they “get” the humor or not, will understand our only true purpose: we are sincerely trying to utilize our creative talents in such a way that brings exhortation, encouragement and discernment to the Body of Christ. Scripture tells us that there is a “time to weep, and a time to laugh.” I guess you could say that we are only trying to allow for that time of laughter. I sincerely pray that our activities at The Sacred Sandwich have not abused that aspect of joy in any unbiblical way.

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