The Sacred Sandwich
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  • May18th

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    Popular Pastor Cloned in Church Growth Experiment

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    In an attempt to combat a severe drop in attendance every time their popular preacher goes on vacation, Marina Bay Community Church made the shocking announcement that they have cloned their longtime pastor, Rev. Spencer Klagg. To make this possible, Marina Bay enlisted the help of RevClone, a new Christian cloning facility in Southern California dedicated to multiplying the current pool of dynamic preaching celebrities.

    “As a cutting-edge mega church, we’re always looking for innovative ways to grow our church, and DNA duplication just seemed like a no-brainer,” explained church spokesman and elder, Clarence Ambrose. “Statistically our lowest Sunday attendance is when Pastor Klagg is on vacation and our associate pastor, Raymond Elliot, fills in. No offense to Raymond, but the people think Pastor Klagg’s monologue jokes are just plain funnier than Raymond’s prop comedy.”

    By cloning their pastor, Marina Bay hopes to fill their 3,000 seat auditorium every Sunday, whether the original Pastor Klagg is in the pulpit or not. During those times when Klagg is taking time off, his clone will perform the pastoral duties in his stead, assuring the congregation of no interruption in enjoying their pastor’s unique spiritual gifts. “Not to mention keeping the weekly offering at the same high level as the attendance,” Ambrose added.

    Not all church members, however, are pleased with the cloning of Pastor Klagg. Herm Tayback, a deacon for twenty years, is a vocal critic of the RevClone project. “Am I the only one creeping out over this? Last week the pastor was performing a wedding while his clone was back home mowing his lawn. I mean, are we gaining a spare pastor or giving Mrs. Klagg another husband to take out the garbage?”

    Tayback also worries about possible theological ramifications. “Hey, I’ve seen those science fiction movies where the clone slowly goes insane because of a missing chromosome. What happens if Klagg’s twin loses his mind and starts preaching on sin and repentance? Good grief, we could lose half the congregation! In fact, I’ve shared these concerns with Pastor Klagg. At least I think I was talking to Pastor Klagg…  Ooo, did anyone else just get a chill down their back?”

    Regardless of the criticism, RevClone’s head scientist Farnsworth Diddle is quite proud of his work with Marina Bay, and he envisions a wide application for this new cloning technology. “Just think… churches won’t just use Rick Warren’s teachings, now they can hire a Rick Warren clone as their pastor.”

    Deacon Tayback disagrees. “Don’t we have enough Rick Warren clones in churches already?”

    All in all, Ambrose says Marina Bay is very pleased with the initial reaction to their new genetically-created pastor. “Attendance has never been better,” he reported happily. “But if we ever start losing folks, we’re not worried. Our contingency plan is to start cloning the congregation, too. Doesn’t science work in mysterious ways?”

  • May5th

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    New-Ager Hits Head; Loses Christ-Consciousness

    Posted in: Headlines

    The last thing Gladys Pittman remembers is getting up from the couch after watching Oprah, tripping on her yoga meditation rug, and falling to the floor. After that, everything is a blur. But Gladys’ husband Frank witnessed the whole thing. “As soon as her head hit the floor, she was knocked christ-unconscious,” he explained.

    According to Frank, for several scary minutes after the accident Gladys began reading the Bible, talking about her sinfulness and her need for a Righteousness outside of herself. “She was speaking all sorts of gibberish,” said Frank, fighting back the tears as he remembered the ordeal. “I was afraid she was going to be a Baptist the rest of her life.”

    Within the hour, however, Gladys slowly regained christ-consciousness as Frank administered incense, low-lighting, and music by Yanni. By evening, she was back to normal and watching public television. “Luckily, PBS was showing a Wayne Dyer special during their fifteenth pledge drive of the year, and the program really seemed to bring Gladys to her original state of enlightenment,” said Frank. “Plus, she got a really cool PBS coffee mug with her $50 pledge.”

    Looking back, Frank believes their close call is a lesson for everyone. “If you’re going to have a Bible in the house,” he warned, “make sure it’s in a safe place where little ones or people with head trauma can’t reach it.”

    Gladys, on the other hand, is just happy to put the horrifying incident behind her. “My inner divinity got a little boo-boo,” she said, rubbing her head, “but I’m all centered now, praise Oprah!”

  • April2nd

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    “Worldly” Demas Not So Bad, Says Bible Scholar

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    Bible scholar and liberal theologian Malcolm Lancaster reported this week that new archeological findings have revealed that Demas, described in scripture as a worldly apostate, wasn’t such a bad guy after all. “We’ve felt all along that Demas got a bum rap from the Apostle Paul, and the latest excavation has proven our case,” says Lancaster, a member of the Jesus Seminar.

    According to Lancaster, fragments from an ancient ruin buried in Greece contain evidence which seem to indicate that Demas never left the ministry, but merely left Paul’s staff to start a seeker-sensitive megachurch in a suburb of Thessalonica. Demas’ church was called “My Big Fat Greek Church,” and was known for its radical lyre band and Greek chorus, plush coliseum seating, and ample chariot parking. In addition, Demas appears to have written a best-selling scroll titled “Your Best Goat Now,” and coined his ministry’s catchphrase, “Discover the Zeus in You.”

    Among the artifacts uncovered at the site was a wall mosaic which experts believe depicts Demas hanging out with Bonocus, a hip musician of the day, at an ecumenical event to encourage dialogue between Christians and Isis worshippers for the sake of world peace.

    “Demas had a real knack for engaging the Hellenistic culture for Jesus and drawing thousands of people to his services,” Lancaster stated. “If you want to call that ‘loving the present world,’ then fine. But if you ask me, Paul was just jealous of Demas’ successful ministry. That’s why you can’t take everything Paul wrote as gospel… so to speak.”

    Lancaster and his colleagues are anxious to discover more evidence that challenges Paul’s inflammatory claim that Demas was focused on earthly things that soon pass away. Proving that Demas’ ministry wasn’t transitory, however, could take several years because, as Lancaster explains, “The artifacts from Demas’ church are crumbled into little pieces and buried under centuries of dirt.”

  • March2nd

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    Busy Family Hires Personal Church Shopper

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    Growing bored with the outdated Purpose-Driven programs at their present church, the Henman family of Cragston, IL, recently hired Lucy Ditmer, a personal shopper, to find them a new church home to meet their spiritual needs for 2009. “Between my boy’s hockey games and my girl’s dance classes, I really don’t have the time to go church shopping,” said Helen Henman. “It’s a great relief to know that Lucy can take care of all that. The last thing Phil and I want to do right now is spend every Sunday morning going to strange churches just to see if they have cushioned seats and a rockin’ praise band.”

    Ditmer, who had over five years of experience as a personal shopper at Macy’s before being laid off in January, began advertising her church shopping services when she saw a need for busy families who find it difficult to squeeze religion into their hectic lifestyles. “Most churches nowadays have sermons that last anywhere from ten minutes to an excruciating half hour,” Lucy explained. “My clients just don’t want to put themselves through that kind of ordeal when all they really want to know is whether the youth program has a Wii-based or a Playstation-based ministry. With my service, the clients just give me a checklist of all their felt needs and I do all the dirty work while they’re sleeping in on Sunday morning.”

    One of Ditmer’s recent success stories comes from Judith and Bob Nickerson, married sports enthusiasts who were looking for a church that provided for their physical fitness needs as well as their spiritual ones. “Coming from a Methodist background, we were really surprised when Lucy recommended the Beth Israel Synagogue on Fifth Street,” Judith said. “But we had to admit that the synagogue had the state-of-the-art exercise facility and Olympic-sized pool we were looking for. After a couple visits, we knew it was the place for us. In fact, we like it so much, Bob is getting circumcised next Thursday.”

    As for the Henman family, they are anxious to see what Lucy finds for them. “Being without a church home these past few weeks has really taken a toll on us,” Mrs. Henman admitted. “Our sex life stinks, Phil hates his job, and the kids are starting to lose their self-esteem. We need a new pastor to show us how Jesus dealt with bedroom problems, work-related stress, and too much school homework. If Lucy doesn’t hurry up and find us a church soon, we may be forced to open a Bible and look for the answer ourselves. Who knows how long that would take?”

  • February10th

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    Church Reduces Carbon Footprint; Worships In Dark

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    In an effort to stem the tide of global warming, Raintree Christian Fellowship began worshipping in the dark this month by turning off the earth-destroying electricity to their building. Though temporarily blinded by the decision, the congregation has seen a sharp increase in spirituality and stubbed toes.

    “Turning off the lights has really forced us to find God and each other by using our other four senses,” said Pastor Mike Gruber. “Thankfully, since most of us also reject the use of cancer-causing deodorants, it wasn’t really hard to find each other in the dark. At first I wondered who brought the dead possum in here, but then I realized it was just Bob.”

    Church member Serena Vanderhoff is thrilled with the congregation’s newfound enlightenment in the absence of light. “Worshipping in the dark is a very freeing experience that allows you to be yourself,” she said while waiting for Sunday service to start. “When people can’t see you, you can’t be judged if you take a nap during the sermon or you aren’t wearing appropriate clothes for church. In fact, I’m buck naked right now.”

    Earlier in the year, Raintree had utilized a large number of candles to better facilitate their rejection of electric light, but this solution was deemed to be a compromise that only compounded the problem. “Not only do the polluting factories that make these candles contribute to the raping of the environment, but the candle flames themselves put out a tremendous amount of heat that could slowly melt the ice caps,” explained Pastor Mike. “Our motto is: ‘Light a candle, kill a polar bear’… Um, no offense to our Catholic friends and their murderous votives.”

    In recognition of their sacrifice to save the planet, former Vice President and noted global warming expert Al Gore made a surprise visit to Raintree last Sunday to support them in their efforts. “He did?” remarked a dumbfounded Pastor Mike. “Well, crud, I didn’t even see him. Come to think of it, I can’t see anyone in here.”

    Future plans for Raintree include the possibility of putting in windows. “I personally think it would be a good idea to bring in some natural light so I can see if anyone is even attending the service,” said Pastor Mike, “but then again we don’t want to appear to be supporting solar resources when there is significant evidence to suggest that the sun is a major contributor to global warming. I mean, do we really want that on our consciences?”

  • February3rd

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    Girl Scout Derails Church’s New Building Campaign

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    After a short investigation by their finance committee, Badger Creek Baptist Church has uncovered the reason why their “God’s Dream” Building Campaign fell short of its fundraising goal in January. The main culprit? Girl Scout cookies.

    In their final report, the committee faulted Deacon Buford Collins for allowing ten-year-old Brittany Tanner of Troop 187 to set up a Girl Scout cookie sales booth in the church foyer during Sunday services last month. As a result, the distracted congregation began spending their extra cash on cookies instead of giving it to the building fund.

    “Everyone knows that Baptists start salivating at the sight of a girl in a khaki uniform and green sash,” explained Finance Team Leader Joyce Franklin. “Deacon Collins would’ve been better off letting a bacon salesman loose in our church.”

    According to several eyewitnesses, not only was the cookie booth a frantic mob scene as parishioners clamored for the famous baked goods, but the young girl scout proved to be a shrewd cookie marketer as well. At one point the plucky Miss Tanner hooked some fishing line to a box of Thin Mints and slowly trolled past the church classrooms, luring several woman away from their Beth Moore Bible study.

    “I knew things were getting bad when little Brittany was down to her last box of cookies and she made us arm-wrestle to see who could have it,” said Assistant Pastor Frank McClurg. “I hate to say it, but Edna Dollenkamp has quite an arm for a ninety-year-old woman with arthritis and a hip replacement. I’m pretty sure I would have beaten her if she hadn’t lost her dentures in my lap and scared the snot out of me.”

    Though Badger Creek church members were generally embarrassed by their lack of restraint in the face of temptation, some in the congregation blamed a shortage of complimentary donuts at the church’s snack bar for their decision to purchase Girl Scout cookies with their building fund money.

    “Look, I feel bad about what I did,” admitted one male attendee who wished to remain anonymous, “but I can’t worship without a little bite to eat and a cup of coffee. When the donuts ran out, I had no choice but to buy 5 boxes of Thin Mints, 3 boxes of Caramel deLites, and 2 boxes of Shortbreads.”

    In a brief emotional statement to the congregation during last Sunday’s service, a broken and tearful Deacon Collins apologized for letting the evil girl scout into the church, but said he was already paying the price for his error in judgment. “I’ve gained 10 pounds from binging on six boxes of Peanut Butter Sandwiches, and my wife is making me eat rice cakes and lettuce until I lose the weight. Somebody kill me now.”

    Afterwards, Collins was escorted from the podium as he sobbed hysterically and muttered something about a double cheeseburger.

    Despite these tragic events, Finance Team Leader Franklin is confident that the fallout from “CookieGate” (as church officials have dubbed it) is only a temporary setback. “We know that building a bigger facility for our church is God’s dream, so we’re pretty sure we can make it happen for Him,” she said confidently. “In fact, Pastor Dave plans to cancel his planned sermon series on Great Marital Sex, so he can start a new series called, ‘Come On, People, Fork It Over.’ ”

    Added Franklin, “By the end of February we expect the congregation will feel guilty enough to help us exceed our fundraising goal by a wide margin. Then we’ll have the additional money we need to purchase larger seating for those members who recently put on some extra weight.”

    Miss Tanner, who posted the largest cookie revenue for her troop’s district in twenty years, could not be reached for comment. She was busy negotiating with Keebler to become their new cookie liaison to the Southern Baptist Convention.

  • January29th

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    New Barna Poll: 1 in 3 Christians Do Not Believe George Barna Exists

    Posted in: Headlines

    One third of professing Christians in America question the existence of Christian pollster George Barna, according to a shocking new poll by George Barna and his marketing research firm, The Barna Group.

    Brad Finch, a spokesman for The Barna Group, said the poll result will have huge implications on whether or not America will be able to spiritually transform herself in the future if belief in George Barna continues to dwindle within the Christian community.

    “It’s bad enough that 1 in 3 professing Christians in America believe that Jesus sinned while on Earth,” said Finch, “but when that same percentage of people start doubting Mr. Barna’s existence, then his Christian marketing research will be doubted, too. The question, therefore, is whether or not the Church can harbor this lack of faith in Mr. Barna and still survive with only Scripture and the Holy Spirit to guide them.”

    Despite these real concerns, one Barna critic was pleased with the poll result. Grant Sternhagen, an anti-Barna activist and mastermind of the recent “There’s Probably No Barna” bus advertising campaign, praised the new Barna poll as an important indication that some Christians don’t believe in Barna or the importance of his polls.

    “This important Barna poll clearly shows that many intelligent Christians are refusing to fall for the George Barna myth,” said Sternhagen. “After all, Barna spelled backwards is Anrab, and we all know there’s no such thing as an Anrab. You ever heard of an Anrab? I sure haven’t. Obviously, George Barna is the stuff of woodland fairies, unicorns, and good accordion music.”

    Contacted by phone, Barna quickly dismissed any controversy surrounding the new survey and revealed his plan to immediately poll his family and friends in order to prove his existence. However, it was not known if the voice on the phone was actually Mr. Barna’s or the voice of a clever impostor posing as the possibly-fictitious pollster.

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