Officials at Queen of Heaven Catholic Church report that a vandal attacked their parish during their annual “Trunk-or-Treat” festivities on Halloween. According to Fr. Michael Donnelly, someone placed a paper bag filled with Luther’s “95 Theses” on the church’s front step, set it on fire, then knocked on the door and ran away. When Donnelly answered the door, he quickly stomped on the burning bag to put out the flames.
“Needless to say, I got Theses all over my shoes,” Father Donnelly stated. “It was disgusting.”
Witnesses at the church reported seeing a treat-or-treater, dressed as a monk, running across the street towards Christ Lutheran Church after the incident. As of now, police have no suspects, but believe it was the work of a copycat reformer.
Though Father Donnelly has asked the Blessed Virgin to have pity on the prankster, he still blames the Protestant Reformation for destroying a perfectly good pagan holiday. “Whatever happened to good old-fashioned Halloween activities like toilet-papering the trees or soaping the windows? Ever since Luther pulled his stunt on October 31st, we’ve had nothing but trouble. In fact, just last year someone duct-taped the 95 Theses on our front glass door because they couldn’t nail it up. Do you have any idea how hard it is to remove that sticky residue from glass after you pull off duct tape? These people are barbarians. I’m starting to think disbanding the Inquisition was a big mistake.”
Rev. Peter Reinhardt of neighboring Christ Lutheran Church had no comment on the incident, but was last seen sporting a suspicious grin and a large shaved spot on the top of his head.
