Dear Twin Theologians: My dentist wants me to start flossing religiously. As a Christian, is this even possible? —Karl Wooten, Caspar, WY

Maurice: Karl, as Christians, we believe we are saved by grace and not by the works of the floss.

Emmett: However, flossing does save you from a future visit to The Denture Depot.

Maurice: True, but we shouldn’t confuse dentistry with religious activity, Emmett.

Emmett: Don’t be so sure, brother. There happens to be a very prominent flossing cult right here in the USA. In fact, four out of five dentists recommend it.

Maurice: That’s ridiculous. I’ve never heard of it.

Emmett: Sure you have. Benny Hinn Ministries? They promise all these miracles that never happen, then they take all your money.

Maurice: Wait a minute… you don’t mean flossing, Emmett. That’s fleecing.

Emmett: Oh, my bad.

Maurice: Let’s not get distracted here. We were talking about how Karl can floss religiously.

Emmett: Well, for the sake of Karl’s oral health, I think we need to assess his spiritual condition before he follows his dentist’s instructions.

Maurice: How so?

Emmett: Well, how does Karl practice his Christianity? I mean, some professed Christians only “floss” during church on Sunday mornings, while others “floss” morning and night throughout the week… if you know what I mean.

Maurice: Oh, I see what you mean. Clever metaphor.

Emmett: Then you have some folks who are content, once a year, to use the edge of a credit card to dig out that stubborn wedge of ham gristle between their teeth after they’ve been to the All-You-Can-Eat Easter Brunch at Ponderosa.

Maurice: All right! All right! I think we get the picture, Emmett. I think what you’re trying to say is that if Karl is a Christian who exhibits an active faith in Christ on a daily basis, then his flossing, if done religiously, will be a daily activity as well.

Emmett: No, what I’m saying is that Karl needs to find himself a new dentist.

Maurice: Why’s that?

Emmett: Because flossing is Old School, Maurice. If Karl’s dentist is going to promote dental hygiene as a religion, he needs to be more cutting-edge and culturally relevant.

Maurice: And how does he do that?

Emmett: One word: Waterpik.

Maurice: Good grief, Emmett, this is ridiculous. What’s wrong with a good old-fashioned toothpick?

Emmett: Fundamentalist!

Maurice: Waterpikite!

Emmett: Huh?

Maurice: Okay, okay, truce. If we end up in a scuffle, we might knock each other’s teeth out. Then where would we be?

Emmett: Probably The Denture Depot.

Maurice: Well, at least we wouldn’t have to worry about flossing religiously.

Emmett: By the way, you wouldn’t happen to have a toothpick on you, would you?

Maurice: Maybe, why?

Emmett: I think I have a piece of Sacred Sandwich stuck in my teeth.

Maurice: Cute.