As some of you may be aware, The Sacred Sandwich Newspaper and Publishing Company was recently victimized by a nefarious vandal known as the “Phantom Tagger,” who had been defacing our property with various graffiti slogans extolling the virtue of Tim Challies. Mr. Challies, dubbed “The World’s Most Famous Christian Blogger” by the Pyromaniacs website, had no connection to the crimes as far as we knew, but it did raise suspicion that certain elements in the Christian blogosphere were becoming factious and over-competitive over Technorati rankings and RSS feed subscriptions.
These suspicions were seemingly verified when a photograph, secretly taken by Marge Hindenburg under cover of night, appeared to show an employee of Calvinistic Cartoons in the act of tagging our building. After a few phone calls to the Calvinistic Cartoons home office in McKinney, TX, however, it was discovered that their “Romans 9″ grenade-clad employee, Corky Velveeta, was actually in South Dakota shopping at Payless Shoes for horseshoes at the time of the crime. Needless to say, we were perplexed. We had no idea there was a Payless Shoe Source in South Dakota.
With the help of law enforcement and the watchful residents of Gazingstock, however, the mystery was soon solved. It turns out the real culprit was one Coddington Borax, a maniacal anti-Calvinist activist, master of disguise, and semi-professional bowler who slipped unseen into town and committed these sinister acts in order to (as he later confessed) “sow the seeds of discord” among the Reformed community. His mission was simple: to sabotage the operations at The Sacred Sandwich, make it appear to be the work of prominent Calvinists in the Christian blogosphere, and start a full-blown blog war. Thankfully, his efforts failed.
On his way out of town, Mr. Borax made the mistake of stopping for lunch at McGonigle’s General Store and Diner, where he ordered their famous TULIP Burger, but had the audacity to ask for the sandwich to be served without the Total Depravity Mayo, the Limited Atonement Onions, and the Perseverance of the Saints Pickles. This flagrant display of Pelagian sensibilities immediately caught the attention of League of Tyndale member, Ernie Gutfuller, who was enjoying his Spurgeon Meatloaf in the next booth. Sensing that time was of the essence, Ernie quickly called Sheriff Lazenby’s office to report the stranger’s behavior… right after he ordered some pie and got a refill on coffee.
When Ernie’s report was finally called in, Patrolman Kirk Whelan was dispatched to the scene just in time to stop Borax from escaping down Highway 24 in his Buick LeSabre. As soon as the officer pulled Borax over and approached the vehicle, Whelan knew he’d caught the Phantom Tagger. Borax’s index finger clearly bore the stain of red paint, and in the back seat lay the implements of his villainy: three cans of Krylon and a giant grenade costume.
Coddington Borax is now charged with defacing a mule and impersonating an explosive theological device, and is currently awaiting trial in the Nodaway County Jail. We will keep you informed of any updates in this case, but are extremely thankful that this matter seems to be closer to resolution. We would like to apologize to Tim Challies and Corky Velveeta if our reporting of this story has caused them any harm or cast aspersions upon their characters. Let it be known that The Sacred Sandwich considers these men to be a valuable part of the Christian blogosphere, and we hope that folks will visit their websites on a regular basis, if they don’t already.
As for our loyal readers, we hope that this incident has not dissuaded you from your continued support of The League of Tyndale and The Sacred Sandwich. As always, we will endeavor to promote the sufficiency and authority of Scripture as the clear remedy for the folly and error of the postmodern church, no matter who tries to stop us.
For now, dear readers… Adieu!
