Denomination Votes to Allow Drunken Clergy
Posted on 31 August 2009
Hot on the heels of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America’s decision to allow the appointment of non-celibate gays to the clergy, another prominent Christian denomination has decided this week to allow practicing drunkards in the pulpit.
Meeting in Las Vegas, leaders of the Evangelical Lukewarm Christians in Apostasy (ELCA-Not the Lutherans) voted in favor of giving their local congregations the authority to choose ministers or lay leaders who may be in “lifelong, monogamous relationships with alcohol.”
Said the denomination’s president, Ben Halifax, “Since the Lutheran ELCA has courageously decided to ignore the condemnation of homosexuals in 1st Corinthians 6:9-10, we figured it was time for our own denomination to ignore the verses’ reference to drunkards and immediately loosen our outdated and unloving restrictions on boozehounds.”
A motion to also include the acceptance of clerical fornicators, adulterers, idolators, thieves, revilers, and swindlers was tabled until next year’s meeting.
The surprise decision to liberalize the church’s drunkard policy came at the perfect time for the denomination’s small branch in Torrance, California, where popular pastor, Glen Morehouse, had been barred from ministry last year due to his open and committed relationship with Johnnie Walker. With the historic vote, Morehouse can now officially stagger back to the pulpit and still maintain his alternative lifestyle.
His eyes reddened by tears of joy and 80 proof Scotch, Pastor Morehouse commended the ELCA (Not the Lutherans) leadership for allowing him to continue in his Kingdom work. “I jes wanna shay, it was sush a prooouu moam comin’ ta shee thish inna histacle vent… Ya no whaa um sayin’? Uh-oh… I thin’ um gonna thro up…”
Martha Wackenhut, Torrance church member and designated driver, also commended the decision, but was much more articulate. “We’re thrilled that the national leadership has finally recognized Pastor Glen’s value as a non-sober man of God,” she said on behalf of the congregation. “Whenever we’ve needed his pastoral advice and leadership, he’s always been there for us on his favorite barstool down at O’Malley’s. Quite frankly, if this vote hadn’t gone through, we’re pretty sure we would’ve lost Pastor Glen to the Presbyterians.”
Advocates of change in the ELCA (Not the Lutherans) rejoiced after the vote and were later found at the Hard Rock Cafe celebrating their victory with mojitos and Jagermeister shots. “We’re toasting to greater fairness tonight,” explained Pete Lutowski, executive director of Bottoms Up, a drunk rights advocacy group within the church. “Drunken clergy are now free to be who they are and enjoy the love and companionship of their alcoholic buzz.”
“Bottom line, this is a heart issue,” added Lutowski. “Okay, it’s a liver issue, too, but it’s mostly a heart issue. It’s time to quit acting like pharisaical tee-totalers who are hung up on judgmental prooftexts and start showing some Christian love to our drunken brethren who want nothing more than to give out sloppy back slaps and shout, ‘I love you, man!’ to an unsaved stranger. If getting sloshed is so wrong, how come Jesus changed water into wine and jump-started the first Christian drinking party two thousand years ago?”
“A-mehn, bruther!” shouted Pastor Morehouse from the floor.
Tags | drunkards, gay clergy, homosexuals, I Corinthians 6:9-10
August 31st, 2009 at 4:50 am
Thanks for the intoxicating article. Obviously, some clergy are sot in their ways.
August 31st, 2009 at 7:08 am
Maybe this is just practice for getting “drunk in the spirit” as per Hagin and Copeland, to wit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SgByE0pX1M
They call it “Pentecostal Bedlam” - well named.
August 31st, 2009 at 7:10 am
Giving new meaning to the term “Drunk With The Spirit”…
August 31st, 2009 at 7:59 am
If only more churches would follow the Torrance, CA branch’s example and designate a driver… Someday, my friend. Some day. This indeed is one giant stumble forward for drunken pastors everywhere.
August 31st, 2009 at 8:27 am
If only it weren’t so tragic. As always, the Sandwich makes another great point.
August 31st, 2009 at 11:00 am
“Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.” 1 Corinthians 6:9-11.
Amazing how three simple verses can speak to this issue with more power and clarity than any silly satire of man.
August 31st, 2009 at 1:41 pm
That is just the tip of the iceberg. We have heard of a WOF preacher who has had a longstanding relationship with Jack Daniels, and a female WOF preacher has revealed she has had a longtime relationship with Harvey Wallbanger….
Not to mention a popular female faith healer who has been seen with a bottle of Southern Comfort hidden under her healing handkerchief….
August 31st, 2009 at 3:45 pm
People should just off of the ELCA’s back!
If the ELCA wants to let their pastors do…whatever…then why should we not say…that’s nice?
People should stop letting God’s law get in the way of their fun.
God may be God (afterall) but who’s in charge of this place anyway!!??
August 31st, 2009 at 7:19 pm
Well, I bet they really have a fun sermon out of the Wedding Feast at Cana.
August 31st, 2009 at 7:40 pm
Personally, I see nothing wrong with a Pickled Parson. HIC! Sorry
September 1st, 2009 at 2:49 am
I, I, I, jusht cannt focush onn the shcreen to reeed thissh shtorie
September 1st, 2009 at 12:47 pm
In a later interview, Lutowski said their new church building will have ‘wide’ doors and ‘broad’ aisles for the paths leading to their alterfalls…er calls…for the old church’s narrow doors kept most of their people from entering.
Also, he said, there was no truth to the rumor that there would be several “porcelain gods” for the parishioner to kneel before. Lutowski states, “There is only one to which the whole church will kneel before.”
September 1st, 2009 at 9:24 pm
Instead of a Starbucks in the foyer, these Drunken Temples of doom will be serving ale coming from their Holy Water Mini Brewery located on the church premises.
Beer and pretzels instead of coffee and donuts….
September 2nd, 2009 at 2:08 am
So did it burn the models hand to hold that “devils elixer”?
September 2nd, 2009 at 2:09 am
He had to have been drunk when he picked out that blazer…Hiii-oooo!!!
September 4th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Finally! The noncatholics are embracing what Catholics have always practiced: drinking alcoholic “beverages” in the church and drunken clergy! Now,let’s get the gambling rollin’!
September 4th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Glorified Bingo Baptist Style
The sale of indulgences
Pew Rent
Prayer to statues
Emergent Nuns
Post Modern Monkism
Wow….the possibilities are endless….
October 18th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Problem is, one drunk in the ‘Pul’ can ruin the entire ‘pit’.
And how about those Methodists walking around their ‘labyrinths’?
The Bible based non-denominationist are following close behind.
What is a believer to do?
Answer; Stop listening to men, drunk or otherwise, and “Trust no man, trust God alone”! God is so big that none of us need to occupy a seat in the building to hear what He has to say. Stay at home on His Sabbath (Saturday) be quiet and listen when He talks to you! Truly, His yoke is light and His peace is unmistakeable.
December 24th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Evangelical Lukewarm Christians in Apostasy (ELCA-Not the Lutherans) has fermented their own mortal wound upon themselves! They have chosen to defy the Word of God by voting to ordain unrepentant men and women who have a “lifelong, monogamous relationships with the spirits of grain, fruit, or vegetables.” They have distilled their deviant nonsense with the requisite sinful lifestyle of sharing liquor, brandy, eau-de-vie, Schnapps, gin, rum, tequila, vodka, and whisky with others of the same sex! Sadly, the mainstream is also getting a peek at its own impending future by not sticking to their coed beverages of beer and wine. Signed Ethan O. L.