Churchgoers Survive Potluck Nightmare
Posted on 02 October 2008
Tragedy struck Langley Baptist Church on Sunday afternoon when every covered dish at the church’s monthly potluck was a green bean casserole. Stunned onlookers watched in horror as family after family arrived with the same popular side dish in tow. By the time grace was said over the meal, there were over twenty-five green bean casseroles lining the buffet table with no meat dish in sight.
Marilyn Perkins, supervisor of the Langley Baptist potluck, recalls the terror of witnessing the casseroles flooding in. “I’ve heard scary stories from other churches about excess hominy or okra, but you never think it’s going to happen to your church,” she said in tears. “All I could think at the time was, Why us, Lord… why us?”
Repercussions from the church disaster were felt throughout the community as area grocers reported a shortage of Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup and French’s French fried onions.
A few brave church members weathered the green bean avalanche by using large amounts of sweet tea to wash it down, while others, dazed and hungry, fled to their homes. A small faction of survivors, led by Jim Fairbanks, found shelter at a nearby McDonald’s restaurant. “Deacon Fairbanks was quick-thinking and showed amazing courage under pressure,” said Anita West. “Just when I was about to go down, he threw a Happy Meal to me. He saved my life.”
Deacon Fairbanks, however, shrugged off Mrs. West’s praise. “The real hero was Frank Woodburn, who tripped while helping other members cross the parking lot to the golden arches. I’ll never forget him lying there on the concrete, refusing my help and screaming, Save yourself! Now that’s a true hero. Frank will be missed.”
Despite the initial panic, church officials were able to restore order and send people home without further incident. Reports of one member being detained for trying to sneak extra wafers out of the church’s communion tray could not be confirmed.
In the aftermath of the ill-fated potluck, theories abounded as to why this catastrophe took place. Speculation on the cause ran the gamut from the 25 cent sale on Libby’s green beans at McGonigle’s Market to a sign of the Apocalypse. The main theological issue under debate, however, was whether it was part of God’s sovereign decree or the tragic outcome of man’s free will exercising the right to bring a lame side dish to church.
Church member Claude Anderson believes it was God’s judgment. “I’ve told them for twenty years they shouldn’t be calling it pot-luck,“ explained Anderson. “That’s an affront to an Almighty God Who doesn’t deal in luck. I just hope this egregious sin against God doesn’t ruin my chances to win the lottery. I’m feeling pretty good about my numbers this week. Cross my fingers.”
Seven year old Kenny Myers, son of members Todd and Carrie Myers, tried to put things in the proper perspective. “I’m just glad they weren’t brussels sprouts. Seriously, I woulda puked.”
Dale Morton, pastor at Langley Baptist, planned to hold a special service next Sunday to help his congregation deal with the emotional effects of the disaster. “This is a hard time for my flock,” explained Morton, “and I’m not sure the Bible has all the answers for a tragedy like this. So I think it’s important to let the people have a time to grieve and cry out to God. I mean, come on! That’s a lot of green bean casserole, even for Baptists.”
When asked if the story of the Israelites complaining about the provision of God’s manna would have any significance for his congregation at this time, Pastor Morton grimaced. “Shoot… I didn’t even think about that. Now I’m going to have to trash the analogy to Stephen’s martyrdom and rewrite my whole sermon.”
Tags | Christian satire, church potluck, manna
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Aah, it could have been worse than green beans, it could have been 25 versions of baked beans…the possibilities would have been endless of the backfire from that ordeal!
Love this so much!
October 3rd, 2008 at 12:57 am
25 variations of baked beans would have made the martyrdom analogy more fitting…
October 3rd, 2008 at 8:38 am
LOL! I’m with seven year old Kenny Myers.
October 3rd, 2008 at 10:05 am
At least it wasn’t a tuna casserole made with sardines, been there.
October 3rd, 2008 at 10:15 am
I don’t know if there are 25 ways to make Brussel Sprouts….
October 4th, 2008 at 8:20 am
Thanks a lot Chris…I guess I’ll have to think of something else to bring to the Pot “Providence” tomorrow!
October 4th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Brussels Sprouts - well, you CAN make them 25 different ways if you count the different sauces.
This story is horrific….but it is nothing compared to when the Presbyterian Church down the way had a freewill Jello Salad sale, and the corn was ripe and there was a sale on celery at the Piggly Wiggly….
Oh, it was terrible….
October 4th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Oh, nothing could be as horrifying as when the small town Independent Bible Church had a “Harvest Banquet” with a pig roast, and the one deacon left the pig unattended and when he came back, it was burned. Talk about a burnt offering. I didn’t attend the church at that time, but my brother said they tried to cover up the “burned” taste with bbq sauce. I don’t think there is enough bbq sauce to cover up “burnt”!
Or to have a corn boil and run out of corn!
There needs to be a “food” ministry committee now.
October 7th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Almost as bad as when the deacons substituted COFFEE for the grape juice for the Lords Supper at my local Southern Baptist Church. It was almost pentecostal with all the jitters everyone had from the coffee shots. Hands were wavin, kids were runnin all over the place…the Spirit was movin mightily through those cups of Joe.
October 7th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Oooh, that’s bad. How does coffee get substituted for grape juice????
I thought it was bad when the one time at the Calvary Baptist Church I attended mistook Blend lemonade concentrate for grape juice. Imagine concentrated lemonade undiluted in little communion cups???? I thought they used Vicks Daycare. It was like taking medicine.
Talking of communions, I attended a Grace Brethren “Love Feast” as “Jesus had commanded”. The “love feast” consisted of a HAM sandwich (like they would have cured pork in those days!!) potato chips and a pickle. I’m not joking. I’m sure that they would have had a junk food love feast….
What were these church people thinking? These decisions had been made by the “leaders”. While picking on the poor choices of communion juice to love feast offerings, and burnt pig roasts, it represents how the leadership’s choices affects the entire congregation. If they are this careless about the food items that goes in our bodies, and even more careless about the spiritual food that goes in our ears and hearts, makes me wonder if most of what is considered “leadership” not truly called of God!
October 15th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Oh . . . I feel a skit at our Christmas banquet coming on . . . This is classic.
October 16th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
You perform skits at your banquets? The last church I went to, the folks got so caught up in the eating to watch any skits….
October 24th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
One tale of how a “Harvest Banquet” went amuck when members of the United Worship Center of Clam Creek decided to have pulled pork dinner when members were shocked when two of the deacons were having a tug of war with a live pig. Pastor Artie Deedles solved it by allowing the deacons to have joint custody of the pig. In the absense of the “pulled pork”, the banquet consisted of cornbread and 20 varieties of “cole slaw”. Ernie Dufford, the lead usher made a quick call and the Green Acres’ Diner delivered their own fried chicken to help make the banquet something more than cornbread and slaw…..
Another story of a local church had a “garbage can roast” and hayride. They didn’t have a big enough “pot” to cook in, so they brought in a brand new metal garbage can to make their “Harvest Stew”. Deacon Harvey G. Crebbs felt that a garbage would work, thus, “Garbage Can Roast”.
Members of the Cross Keys Church of God had a recent “Pig out and Play” at their church. Members were invited to bring guests to..”pig out and play”…Hmmmmm
If there’s food happening, it’s happening at the local church!
Stay tuned for the Church Banquet News.
October 27th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Apparently some mispent youth filled the juice containers with coffee and the poor deacons never noticed the differenc.
Hmmm, or did the pastor have a hand in this in order to keep the congregation awake? Shades of Arminian conspiracies abound!
October 27th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
I was in the basement when I heard laughing and gaufawing upstairs… I came up to see what all the ruckus was about. My family was yelling at me “Read it! You have to read it!!”
I’ve always been a fan of Sacred Sandwich stuff, but this was absolutely hilarious. Thanks for posting!
December 11th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
That is Langley Baptist Church in Langley, S.C. I grew up right outside of this town. It doesn’t surprise me this would happen there. Great people though, lots of love for beans. lol
February 5th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Re: Churchgoers Survive Potluck Nightmare
Beware of broccoli-cheese casserole!
February 5th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
I love green bean casserole. yes, that’s right, with the cream of mushroom soup and French’ french fried onions on top…MMmmm..Mmmm…
February 6th, 2009 at 12:11 am
Actually, I’m with you, Tom!
February 24th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
This story lacks credibility because there is no mention of deviled eggs. Deviled eggs are a staple of potluck fare. They come with a special plate that are used almost exclusively for potlucks. One redeeming point is that at least the second potluck staple of Jello was given it’s fair shake.
March 22nd, 2009 at 1:08 am
Only two things could be worse: Catfish Caserole and Liver Loaf
March 25th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Just eat at home. Drink your coffee at home too.
March 26th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Carol said, Aah, it could have been worse than green beans, it could have been 25 versions of baked beans…the possibilities would have been endless of the backfire from that ordeal!
Baked beans….backfire….
March 30th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Baptists are known to greet, meet, and eat. This sure would have put some humor in the “pot luck supper” for me if this happened to our church. They should have turned it into a contest and voted on the winner of the best green bean
casserole.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:27 am
mmmmm….. green bean casserole…… I’m hungry.
Good call on the “Pot-Providence.”