Is that your real hair, or is just a rug?

Was it you who snuck a bible into church?

Did you or did you not scratch my car with your car keys?

Was it you who backed into my car last Sunday!!!?

What made you ever think you should share your faith with another other than yourself?

Why do you think Jesus is the ONLY way to heaven?

Why did the chicken cross the road, and don’t give me scripture to go with that?!

Why do you insist in using toothpicks to hold up your eyelids when I preach?!!!

Do you think my breath stinks?

Now that I finally found you, why did you leave my church and never come back? was it the fact that I don’t believe the bible, or that I preach out of tv guide?

Pleeeeze come back, or I’m going to have to turn up the voltage on this thing!!! Please, pretty please? I really don’t like doing this, see all the dead bodies on the floor?

Hey, who unplugged the machine?

“Would you like my sermons better if I had a cool accent like Alistair Begg?”
Yes, and maybe I’d take notes! But NOT in my Bible (Phew, quick thinking there)

“Have you ever sued a pastor for slapping the fire out of you?”
No, but I did sue an usher for not catching me when I was slain in the Spirit. (That’ll show Pastor N. I’ve been around and ‘come back home’)

“If you were serving as an usher and someone left a large bill in the collection plate, would you be tempted to keep it?”
No temptation, I’d just keep it. (Uh, that was a stream-of-consciousness answer; can I try again?)

Pastor Nickerson: “I think you’d better leave. Hey, wait a minute. Is that Bible under your arm The Message with a KJV book cover over it?????” (DANG! BUSTED!!!)