Dear Twin Theologians:  Why do theologians use Latin so much? Aren’t you just pompous jerks trying to make us less-educated Christians feel stupid? — Beverly Elgar, Pomona, CA

Emmett: Dear Beverly, I could accuse you of ad-hominem rhetoric, but you aren’t smart enough to know what I’m talking about.

Maurice: Real funny, Emmett, but Beverly has a point. Indeed, for centuries Latin has been the preferred language of priests who flaunted their education in front of the common folk. Only recently have Protestants begun asking the question, why do Catholics get to have all the fun? Now all Christians have the opportunity to be condescending to others by speaking Latin.

Emmett: Except for Baptists, who are more apt to speak in Pig Latin, which is more expedient for relaying important information like, “Ixnay on the eerbay. Here comes the astorpay.”

Maurice: Nevertheless, Emmett, classic Latin is a language that can easily be used by every denomination because of its historical significance to Christianity. Need I remind you that one of the first Bibles used by Christians was called the Latin Vulgate?

Emmett: Not to be confused with the Latin Vulcan which was used by Mr. Spock.

Maurice: Whatever. The point is, that Christians like Beverly should not feel intimidated by theologians who use Latin. There are many wonderful Latin phrases that richly define our faith…

Emmett: Not to mention giving Christian blogs some instant theological bling-bling.

Maurice: I was thinking more about those powerful Latin phrases such as sola Scriptura… soli Deo gloria…

Emmett: …I am Spartacus…

Maurice: …I’m ignoring you now. To answer your question, Beverly, the next time some pompous jerk speaks to you in Latin, just answer him, “Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure,” which roughly translates, “I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.” That will stop him in his tracks and show him that you aren’t stupid after all.

Emmett: Oh, yeah, like putting a banana in her ear makes Beverly look smarter.

Maurice: I wish I had a couple bananas right now, Spartacus.