Growing bored with the outdated Purpose-Driven programs at their present church, the Henman family of Cragston, IL, recently hired Lucy Ditmer, a personal shopper, to find them a new church home to meet their spiritual needs for 2009. “Between my boy’s hockey games and my girl’s dance classes, I really don’t have the time to go church shopping,” said Helen Henman. “It’s a great relief to know that Lucy can take care of all that. The last thing Phil and I want to do right now is spend every Sunday morning going to strange churches just to see if they have cushioned seats and a rockin’ praise band.”
Ditmer, who had over five years of experience as a personal shopper at Macy’s before being laid off in January, began advertising her church shopping services when she saw a need for busy families who find it difficult to squeeze religion into their hectic lifestyles. “Most churches nowadays have sermons that last anywhere from ten minutes to an excruciating half hour,” Lucy explained. “My clients just don’t want to put themselves through that kind of ordeal when all they really want to know is whether the youth program has a Wii-based or a Playstation-based ministry. With my service, the clients just give me a checklist of all their felt needs and I do all the dirty work while they’re sleeping in on Sunday morning.”
One of Ditmer’s recent success stories comes from Judith and Bob Nickerson, married sports enthusiasts who were looking for a church that provided for their physical fitness needs as well as their spiritual ones. “Coming from a Methodist background, we were really surprised when Lucy recommended the Beth Israel Synagogue on Fifth Street,” Judith said. “But we had to admit that the synagogue had the state-of-the-art exercise facility and Olympic-sized pool we were looking for. After a couple visits, we knew it was the place for us. In fact, we like it so much, Bob is getting circumcised next Thursday.”
As for the Henman family, they are anxious to see what Lucy finds for them. “Being without a church home these past few weeks has really taken a toll on us,” Mrs. Henman admitted. “Our sex life stinks, Phil hates his job, and the kids are starting to lose their self-esteem. We need a new pastor to show us how Jesus dealt with bedroom problems, work-related stress, and too much school homework. If Lucy doesn’t hurry up and find us a church soon, we may be forced to open a Bible and look for the answer ourselves. Who knows how long that would take?”
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