Dear Twin Theologians: I’m a novice Christian blogger with a problem. Recently, a frequent visitor to my site has been posting nasty, derogatory comments just to tick me off. How do I get rid of him? — Odell Middleton, Fort Collins, CO

Maurice: Thanks for the question, Odell. Sadly, you have acquired what is known in the blogging world as a “Blog Troll.” These are depraved individuals who interlace their pseudo-intellectual comments with obtuse rants and ad hominem attacks for the sole purpose of punishing those who disagree with their “superior” view. Their primary source of sustenance comes from your response. Any continued dialogue with them will only lead to the trolls moving in and leaving large piles of troll dung in every corner of your blog home. My advice: ban his sorry IP address.

Emmett: Au contraire, dear Maurice. The “IP ban” technique is a very inhumane and ineffective tool that only leads to the “problem trolls” wandering loose through the cyber-neighborhood and wreaking havoc elsewhere. You must get to the root of the behavioral problem to completely solve this issue.

Maurice: And when did you become such an expert on the subject, brother?

Emmett: You may not know this, Maurice, but I am well known throughout the blogging community as the “Troll Whisperer.”

Maurice: The Troll Whisperer?

Emmett: That’s right. I have devoted my life to rehabilitating wayward blog trolls and making blog owners more effective leaders through a psychological methodology I call “Troll Control.” In fact, after we received this question, I had a private consultation with our letter writer, Odell, and was able to track down his troll and bring him with me today for a demonstration. Maurice, please say hello to “pomokid83.”

Maurice: Er… hello, troll.

pomokid83: Nice to meet you, Maurice. Your reputation as a theologian is preceded only by your horrendous breath. Seriously, did a possum crawl into your mouth and die?

Emmett: Tsss!!

pomokid83: Ow! Quit jabbing me in the neck, dude!

Maurice: Whoa, Emmett. Why’d you just poke him like that?

Emmett: I applied a simple but sharp correction with my index and middle finger to position myself as troll leader. We must distract the troll’s aggressive mindset and put him in a submissive state in order to create acceptable behavior.

pomokid83: Making me submissive could take a while, Emmett. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.

Emmett: Tsss!!

pomokid83: Oww!

Maurice: Is this really working, Emmett?

Emmett: Patience, brother. Trolls are obstinate creatures who will try any tactic to reassert dominance. Don’t be surprised if he suddenly sprays you with urine to mark his territory. Not that your polyester pants couldn’t repel it.

pomokid83: Come on, guys, gimme a break! I am NOT a troll.

Emmett: …… Yeah… riiight.

pomokid83: No really, I’m not a troll. The only reason I commented on Odell’s blog was to refute his heretical Pelagian notion that man possesses an innate goodness that allows him to freely choose between good and evil, despite a slight proclivity towards sin. The dude completely ignored my multiple scriptural citations supporting total depravity and the absolute necessity of God’s work of grace in salvation. I was merely trying to reason with him and he basically blew me off.

Emmett: Wait a minute… you’re not a troll. You’re just a smart-aleck Calvinist.

pomokid83: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.

Emmett: Wow… this Odell guy sounds like a real piece of work. No wonder you went off on him.

pomokid83: Tell me about it.

Emmett: Well, this is a little embarrassing. I guess I can take the leash off you now.

pomokid83: I’d appreciate it.

Maurice: Whew, thank goodness we got that cleared up. Apparently a troll is in the eye of the beholder. Got any other brilliant ideas, Mr. Troll Whisperer?

Emmett: Tsss!!

Maurice: Ouch! That hurt, Emmett!

Emmett: Egads, the applications of my training technique are endless!