The Sacred Sandwich

February17th

4 Comments

I humbly submit to our readers this recent exhibition of God’s providence as relayed to the Fellows during the recent League of Tyndale meeting on February 16th, at 8:00 PM. Having finished the business portion of our evening, brother Melvin Wilberforce came forward to issue this report for the edification and consideration of the Fellows. Last Saturday, being Valentine’s Day, Melvin endeavored to go to McGonigle’s General Store to procure a box of chocolates for his wife, Alma Fay, which he did as a token of his affection, in acknowledgement of how Cupid had wounded his heart with an arrow when he first laid eyes upon his bride almost thirty-three years ago. Bursting with anticipation, Melvin hurried home with his gift and was greeted at the door by Alma Fay, whereupon Melvin unveiled the chocolates from behind his back and presented them to his wide-eyed spouse.

Surprisingly, Alma Fay was not pleased, as the lines in her forehead suddenly furrowed into an infuriated glare, with the obligatory gnashing of teeth following close behind.

A Whitman’s Sampler? she protested! In what universe have I ever wanted a Whitman’s Sampler, Melvin Hopkins Wilberforce? You know that I prefer the Russell Stover’s Dark Chocolate assortment in the one pound box, which is the only chocolates you have ever bought me lo these thirty-three years! Have the sands of time erased this from your memory, my pitiable husband?

Indeed, Melvin had always gotten her Russell Stover’s in the past, but the Whitman’s Sampler had been specially marked down in price as part of McGonigle’s “I Heart You” Sale. Scrambling for an explanation, Melvin began to divulge this very fact to his helpmeet, but soon realized it was a grievous mistake.

ON SALE, she shrieked! Do you so esteem my love at such a petty discount? Perhaps you should spend the night at the Cobblestone Inn and think on it further, husband.

Before Melvin could speak forth, the front door slammed in his face. This had not been the first time that his wife had made such an accommodating suggestion, so Melvin gathered up his shattered pride and dutifully headed for the Cobblestone where Room 15 was waiting for him.

Thus we come to the point in this lurid tale where Melvin relays the particular revelation of God’s providence upon his life. Having been delighted to find a bag of Funions in the inn’s vending machine, Melvin settled into his room and ate his modest dinner as he lay on the bed. In time, it came upon his mind that this would be a good point in which to consult God’s word for the benefit of re-examining the duties of a Christian husband and see where he went wrong. He opened the drawer to his bedside table and found it empty. Alas! Had the Gideons forsaken him?

Upon further investigation, Melvin had found out from the innkeeper that the Gideons had never furnished the inn with Bibles, as they are renowned for doing. This news greatly disturbed Melvin as he thought of the many years in which the temporary residents of the Cobblestone Inn were away from their homes and left without the benefit of Scripture when perhaps they needed it most.

It was at this point that Melvin interrupted his story and introduced a motion that the League of Tyndale might step in to provide enough Bibles to fill every darkened room of the Cobblestone Inn with the light of God’s revelation to mankind for the sake of spreading the Gospel. Brother Farley Jacobs seconded the motion, and upon voting, the resolution passed with unanimous ayes in the hall. There was not a dry eye in the house.

Melvin thanked the League and boldly testified to the grace of God, Who even in Melvin’s time of distress, guided him to this great need in our community. Said Melvin, “Praise be to God, for He worketh His will among us lowly men even in the midst of our trials. For we know ‘that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.’”

What a glorious view of God’s guiding Hand among the League! And to further enhance the happiness of this happiest of endings, Melvin was joyous to report that he had reconciled with Alma Fay just before Sunday worship, and was later able to purchase a one pound box of Russell Stover’s Dark Chocolate Assortment on Monday morning, of which his wife happily and graciously accepted, showering him with affectionate kisses as a mark of her unwavering love for him.

Those in attendance quickly resolved to never divulge to Alma Fay that the chocolates Melvin purchased were priced 50% off because Valentine’s Day had passed. After all, dear reader, it is the thought that counts.

Soli Deo Gloria!

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4 Comments

  • Comment by MoJanite — February 17, 2009 @ 1:41 pm

    Better to live on a corner of the roof than to share a house with a quarrelsome wife. Pr. 21:9
    Once again we see the hand of God working in mysterious ways.

  • Comment by Nabal Ben-Nimrod — February 17, 2009 @ 7:17 pm

    Outstanding penmanship! Huzzah!!!

  • Comment by Georgia — March 9, 2009 @ 9:54 pm

    The after the last minute thoughtless ritual did not come with wrapper or card. Nay, not even a love song or a little dance around the room. In thirty-three years, it is like to be exactly the thirty-third love token the longsuffering Alma May has ever received.
    If it is the thought that counts, this is counted by women only for insult. Also, if he was so used to room number fifteen why did he never know God’s Word could not be found there? No doubt he is very familiar with the late night cable offerings.

    Did he EVER read of the duties of a Christian husband? No and if he is ever forced to– he never will act upon them. The past thirty three years of marriage proves this. Also, the motive for raising this issue in the League was purely one of gossiping about his wretched wife. Willberforce plays at being a husband, and very likely plays at being a Christian. In so doing he gives his wife a bad name, just as he gives his God a bad name.

    It is always more peaceful for an unloved woman to sleep alone, than to be continually reminded of her vexing state by the snores of a thoughtless lumbering hullock.

    Alma May accepts him back only because there is no future for her. No chance of ever being really loved. Wilberforce has ruined her one shot at having a loving husband. So she will pretend, until he reminds her again. . .

    Take heed you self absorbed, black hearted lukewarm lover– your powerless and pitiful wife spewn you out, how long will it be before your God does the same? Will you then complain of his unjust wrath before your buddies in the League in Hell?

    Or do you expect that he will welcome you to heaven with kisses pretending your lukewarmness did not put a knife through his chest, just because you return to bringing a tired ritual that costs you little? No he will not let you in and Alma May will finally sleep in peace–eternally.

    Submitted by one of the four things under which the earth cannot bear up

  • Comment by Angus — March 10, 2009 @ 12:03 am

    Wow! Melvin’s a jerk!

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